J. to the Nel. v2.5

Prague

2005-11-14T16:13:00.000-06:00

Cathedral.

Prague

2005-11-14T15:57:00.003-06:00

View from the castle.

Okay, then.

2005-10-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I just wrote a very long post regarding the White Sox with last night, AND!?, my computer ate it... I do not have time at the moment to re-write my genius post because, well, why else? I have to drive my dad to court for the "driving on a public way" ticket he received before a ALSC game at "The Cell," silly! I mean, doesn't everyone spend their Thursday afternoons at court with their Pops?

Anyway, here are some very blurry pictures that capture some of the fun. These were taken in Bridgeport, the US Cell neighborhood, between 11:00 and midnight last night. No arrests were made, and everyone was nothing but cool... It was a good night my friends, peachy keen indeed.

See, pictures here --- Ignore the ones from tailgating.

I. Hate. Halloween.

2005-10-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

Well, okay, I lie. I really really like Halloween for many reasons.

1 - Candy. Oh maaaaaaaan, the candy. You can go into Dominick's and not look batshit buying bags and bags of glorious candy! Also, Reese's Pumpkins? Yea, ohhhh yea they are good, BUT! Frozen mini snickers are my heroin.

2 - Costumes. I, personally, do enjoy costumes. I like dressing up like a fool and acting like a moron... Specifically when Goldslaguer, and really really thick, dark beer are in abundance. Too bad I have the lamest friends on earth who think dressing up is muy stooopido.

3 - Scaring the shit out of kids. I can, acceptably, attempt to terrify children all in the name of Halloween. While at Fright Fest on Saturday, (just wait for THAT story, my god... I am banning myself from Six Flags for life), I found myself yearning to be the gools dressed up scaring the pants of children and cheerleaders.... Could life get much better then that?

4 - Pumpkins. I enjoy the way the look, smell, and taste... in pie, of course. I enjoy their seeds and gushing their nasty intestines through my fingers. I enjoy carving retarded faces on them and leaving them on the TV until they rot and get funky. Although, I do not enjoy when one fo your friends drops a rotting pumpkin carcase on your head and it explodes all over your freshly straightened hair and your new shoes. (I'm not bitter... NOPE!)

5 - Kids in costumes... I will never say this again, so listen closely... SOMETIMES, kids are cute. Especially when dressed up... Okay, enough of this....

With all of this said, perhaps I should change the title to read "I. Hate. Frozen. Mini. Snickers." I suppose it is not Halloween's fault I ate like 12 "fun size" Snickers last night.... But all I know is... It can't be my own fault.

I hate personal accountability... I am a Liberal, ya know. (I can say it, its like when you make fun of your own mom.... YOU can do it, but other people can't.)

Later Gaters.

Oh yeah!

2005-10-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

As I write this, a helicopter is hovering around in the distance and Every couple minutes you hear various loud "booms," and "bangs" coming from different directions... Car horns, people yelling... It's like there is a war outside my shitty little apartment. I would be freaked out, and concerned.. but... but not today!

TODAY, I AM TOO DAMN EXCITED!!!!!!! -- World Series, baby!!!!!!!

Letters to the world... Part two.

2005-10-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Dearest Polish Crotchrocket Gang,

I know you are "cool." REAAAAAAL "cool," please stop holding up traffic on the freaking expressway just to prove your coolness via pop-wheelies. I am not impressed, you are a fool. I will have you know I secretly chant "fall-fall-fall-fall" in my head the entire time you idiots are around.

Thanks,
J.Nel, Queen of Cool.

Dearest Polish Crotchrocket Gang's Bitches,

Ladies, your men are all wearing helmets yet you are not. Yes, your hair looks awesome even at 80mph, but still.... Value your pea-brain just a little more and wear a helmet like your mans.

Good luck with the helmet hair,
J.Nel, Fashion Guru

Dear Baseball Fans, and All Baseball Hating Whiners,

I learned the drop third strike rule when I was 10. It's an easy concept to grasp. Sure the situation was messy, but sorry Paul, you know the damn drill... TAG HIM. Sure you thought you caught it, but this is the Playoffs bitch!

Face it, The White Sox are in the running... Booyah.

Sincerly,
J.Nel, Baseball Nazi

Dear Mom, (I know, shhh!)

Stop telling me to be careful and that you love me 700 times when I leave you house. Also stop telling me you "have bad dreams" and that I need to ALWAYS wear my seat belt.... You're freaking me the fuck out, crazy lady.

You loving Daughter,
J.Nel, Seat belt hater

Dear (South) Halsted Street Crackheads,

This is YOUR street, you own this shit... Don't worry I understand and I have no desire to take over such a gem of land. You are free to roam the street in search of drugs, money, and beer all you want - go crazy, I'm sure you already are though... PS, no, I don't have a dollar. What happened to asking for change!? A dollar!? MAAAAAAAAN!

Thank you,
J.Nel, Social Worker

Dearest White Capri Wearing Blob Ass,

I know you need to catch that bus, I do. I understand not everyone has enough money for a car, or clothes for that matter, but I still think you should rethink those pants. I do not <3 your gigantic pink flowered undies, and I really do not enjoy actually seeing the blobs of fat in such detail through the spandex. I am sure you are fabulous, but not today... in those pants... my. god.

Over and Out,
J.Nel, The Evil One.

Hey you, Computer Adware/Spyware/Virus Composing NERD!

I fucking hate you. DIE DIE DIE. Die, a slooooow paaaaaainful death, you loser! No one will ever love you. I hope you cat claws out your eyes and your fellow nerdy friends (if you have any) find the light and ditch you nerdy, EVIL, ass. Yea, I mean it to...

Die.
J.Nel, Pissed Off Adware Magnet

P.S. Perhaps that was harsh... I take back the slow painful death part. I hope you die, quickly... Like right now.... all of you... NOW!

All things White Sox.

2005-10-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

A looooong walk home.
My cousin was able to clench three really good seats to every post-season Sox game. Although I have tailgated three times, I have yet to attend one game in person. Last night, I was informed that I am more then "cool" enough to tailgate with them, but he has loyalties to people (My dad, uncle, another cousin, co-workers, etc) and I am simply SOL. I am okay with this because I have no money, these tickets are mighty hefty, and also I understand that many old men have put in far more years of fan debauchery thus deserving these tickets far more then me... But, seriously, that shit hurt. I can tell you from my three experiences tailgating, then walking home against the sea of fans going to the game, it is painful to be *this* close and miss out. That last wave goodbye in the worst, it simply confirms that you will be watching the game at home... Only after, of course, walking against a sea of fans headed to the game. But it's okay, if I am not able to actually attend, I have still been able to embrace the feel of playoff through drinking and observing die-hard fans with portable flagpoles. This neighborhood is nuts, pride everywhere... It's awesome and I am happy to be a part of it... With this said, I need to talk to my homies.

Letter to my boys...
Hey Guys, I know it has been a crazy few weeks... but we really need to talk.

You are a good team, really you are. You have great players, many of which just happen to be very fine to look at, and you have some kick-ass coaches. Your fun, entertaining, and generally put on a good show winning games. Sure you had a horrible brief demise at the end of the season, but you pulled it off... If anything, please remember that you remain the underdogs, and if you cocky fuckers don't get your shit together you could very well not pull this off... So, lets focus, us south-side trashy-scum fans are counting on it... and so are hundreds, if not thousands, of yuppie bandwagon fans... but fuck them, this is about us... the real fans who watched nearly every game and attended over 10 games this year.... Win this shit for us! Lets let that game go and start fresh tonight... We need some hits, lets swing that damn bat, mmmkay?

Cheer up little pups and take this one.

With love,
Your wanna be baby mama, J.Nel

A letter to my fantasy lover...
Hey baby! Feeling good about tonight? Awesome. Listen, I had a chat with the guys, they are going to work on the dingers, so YOU must solely focus on striking some Angel ass out, okay? I know you can do it. I have faith in you!

My God that trashy beard makes me hot... keep up the good work.

I love you,
You future baby mama, J.Nel

Let's make Grinder Rule #162 applicable once again!

(Grinder Rule #162: Crying in baseball - Only acceptable if champagne burns in your eyes. )

All Grow'd Up.

2005-10-06T00:51:00.000-05:00

March 13, 2000, I was blessed with my 2000 Hyundai... Brand spankin' new, with a mere 20 miles on her. She was wonderful.

Last week, at a little over a five years old, she turned 100,000 miles.

Here we are at 99,999 miles...

... and here we are at 100,000.

My baby is all grow'd up, and officially a peice of shit.

I'm Kate Cruise, bitch!

2005-10-05T15:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I will admit to being obsessed with Brit and Kevin's hillbilly love fest... BUT, I think my new obsession may be Tom and Kate Cruise. (I heard she is changing her name to Kate, because that is what Tom calls her.... Awesome, no?)

Now that Kate is all full of baby - yes, it's awesome, again - I can't wait to stalk them.... It's just sooooo weird.

Whats next!? WHAT!? I can't take the suspense!

HEY! Hey, you!

2005-09-30T16:49:00.000-05:00

How ya doing today? Feeling good about the weekend? Ya feel like you accomplished much this week? this life? Well you didn’t, regardless of what you did… You know why? Because you probably suck… just. like. me. Lets suck together, shall we? How about we also make ourselves feel worse by… Ohhhh, say, reading the biographies of every contestant on Trump’s Apprentice?

Come one, DO IT – This is stupid link to the stupid bios for the stupid contestants on that stupid show - You know you wanna.

Lets highlight the good ones, just to make ourselves feel like extra gross pieces of shit.

“By age 23, Jennifer became the youngest manager in an international advertising firm called Phone Directories Company.”

“Kristi, 24… Vice President and leading her sales team. She received a full scholarship to play soccer at Truett McConnel College and Brenau University. She was an All-American Nominee and was nationally ranked. Kristi was able to accomplish all of this after having a premature child at the age of 16...”

“Josh, 30, a successful entrepreneur and self-made multi-millionaire by the age of 24, has become a driving force in the cosmetics and beauty industry.” - he is damn pretty too.

Feeling bad, yet? I am.

For fun, I’m going to write my bio, okay? Seriously, it will be fun…

J.Nel
Occupation: Unemployed
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois

J.Nel graduated High School a semester early to begin her college education at the local community college. By the age of 20 she had enough credits to transfer to a real live University, but not a good one, in Southern Illinois. At 22, she completed her bachelors from said crappy University, and moved on to a crapper University in Chicago where, at 23, she obtained her Masters. Since obtaining this prestigious degree, in such a lame field, J.Nel has taken to chair sitting, self loathing, cat petting, and making excuses. J.Nel has earned no income since May, and is free of any remaining professionally-thinking brain cells.

The end. Fun, no?

Now? Lets drink beer.

J.Nel vs. The Evil Treadmill... Take One.

2005-09-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

Action!

So, lately I have been trying to, like, ya know, exercise. I realized that alternating between couch sitting and computer chair sitting is probably setting me up for a heart attack... at 24. So, basically, in order to prolong this heart attack I decided to start walking the 'hood everyday. My neighborhood is really interesting, and in 3 years it is likely to be a haven for trendy hipsters, in the meantime it is awesomely chock full of crazies. But my passion for observing crazies is beside the point; the point of this post is I hate treadmills... not hipsters. (Although I do hate hipsters… I will make that post another day) So, I began walking three miles a day at the turtle speed of three miles an hours. (Hey it's something, rah?) I rock out to some Gorillaz on my iPod and I walk my little ass off up and down the blocks... I actually enjoy the walk, I just kinda hang out with Murdock and the boys and chill.... while exercising of course. Yesterday, while at my parents home, I was given the option of either walking around their neighborhood, or using the dusty treadmill.

I weighed my options.

(1) If I were to walk outside, some cheesey-subburban-snob-asshole I went to high school with may see me rocking some sweat while walking in slow motion. (2) Also, the suburbs suck for calculating miles, I mean in the city I walked 8 blocks three times. 31st street to 39th, 39th to 31st, and finally 31st to 39th. Easy as pie, in the burbs I would probably have to drive my car the path I want to walk to calculate the miles... because I am stupid. (3) I always walk outside, and it never includes watching the TV.

So, those three reasons are what prompted me to walk my three pathetic miles on the treadmill while watching Napoleon Dynamite. (P.S. - This is the worst movie to watch while attempting to be productive. I love me some John Heder, but not when I am trying to be motivated.)

I will admit to be somewhat scared of the treadmill. Once, when I was little I played on one at a hotel and put a hole in the wall. Well, really my elbow put a whole in the wall after I decided to "run as fast as I can!" That bitch threw me clean across the room and gave me the biggest, most painful bruise, ever. It was the treadmills fault, not mine for choosing to be a 10 year old idiot. THE EVIL TREADMILL!

To make this painfully long story short I will tell you this...

I got on the treadmill, and I walked... and itwas horrible. I watched the clock tick the entire time and my thought processes went something like this...

2:12... okay it's 2:12.... 48 more minutes. still 2:12.... 2:14, alright! I missed 2:13 all together. Only 46 more minutes. I should take a break at 2:20... that will probably be a mile, maybe... 2:15!

Although I refrained from actually being thrown from the 'mill, I did trip once and almost loose my front teeth on the handle... Thank God I was kind of paying attention at this point, because if I were lost in thought I would have surely complied with the treadmill's evil plan to rid me of teeth.

So yea, I rocked the evil treadmill and I am still alive. Sure it was mentally painful, I almost lost my teeth and my legs felt like rubber when I got off... I still did it. So, screw you evil treadmill!

aaaaaaaand, cut.

The wheels on the bus go round and round….

2005-09-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

- While taking the L to a job fair on the other side of the city I was yet again reminded that I need a camera phone. As I stood on the platform waiting for my silver rocket to come blast be back to the Southside I observed two police officers patrolling the L. Officer number one, who looked freakishly like Don Vito sat on one end of the bench while a soprano looking cop number two sat beside him. They were serving and protecting by gossiping like school girls and talking on their cell phones. It was soooo comforting. Anyway, cop number one’s daughter has a baby out of wedlock and he wants to help her more, but, ya know “she needs to learn responsibility, now.” This story was far funnier in my head. Wanna doughnut?

- Oh. My. God. All I can say is… HOODIE SEASON.

- Just when I started to feel far more comfortable in this shit-hole I call my apartment the bathroom plumbing goes insane again. “Holy shit, a month with no problem! Awesome!” I thought last night as I watched Inked on A&E. This morning I wake up to a bathroom sink full of skunky smelling water… I proceed to use my crappiest set of tweezers to pick an array of nasty shit out of the drain. Go me, the sink is in perfect running order now. Now the toilet is acting like a retard again… JUST FUNCTION DAMN IT! PLEASE, GOD, JUST WORK! I pleaded with it as it did not stop running for like 7 hours.

- Mick just gave me a ring-a-ling on my celly, yo. I was in the middle of dealing with the monster toilet so my early responses to his questions were quick, and annoyed.

Him – Hey
Me – Yea.
Him – Whats up?
Me – NOTHING.
Him – Ummm?
Me – Shut up with you “Umms” - This toilet is a mother-fucker and I am going to break something with it’s lid.

This is when he makes me feel like and asshole for being an asshole.

Him – Yea okay, my grandma called, she is on the way to the hospital with internal bleeding.
Me – Oh.
Him – Yea, she sounded weird, and wanted to call me herself to let me know.
Me – I’m sorry what can I do?
Him – Fix the damn toilet.

So, yea, its have been concluded that I am the biggest asshole in the world with horseshit timing.

I apologize for this lame, stupid post…. I was terrible I know.
Anyway, his grandma is the closest thing I have to a grandma and she is awesome. So, for all you prayers out there, get your bibles out if you don’t mind. Me? I think I will drink tonight… She would appreciate that if she knew.

Boobiethon 2005

2005-09-27T13:40:00.000-05:00

I have added a link on the right, in the sidebar, for this years Boobiethon.

Perhaps I submitted photo/s this year.

Take a look, there will be tons of boobies on display for free,

and for fiddy bones? You can see tons of naked boobies -

AND feel good about donating to charity!

Kick off is Friday at Midnight.

Why I Heart Craigslist.

2005-09-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

...I also have a strap-on that I like to use, but it's probably asking a bit much to find a man that enjoys being fucked by a girl in a clown suit.

Me: Hey, check this shit out... http://chicago.craigslist.com/cas/99725504.html
Beez: “I am hesitant to post my pictures here because I don't want to find a guy who just wants to do this because I am attractive.” Who the hell says she is attractive? Conceited clownwhore.
Beez: uh oh
Me: Ha, fucking clown whores.
Beez: people are strange.
Me: “I also have a strap-on that I like to use, but it's probably asking a bit much to find a man that enjoys being fucked by a girl in a clown suit.”
Beez: That’s a good line.
Me: I know. I am going to use it.
Beez: Could you imagine giving it to Mick with a strap on in a clown suit?
Beez: Unfortunately I can.
Me: Sweet dreams!

Ms. Sulky Pants.

2005-09-26T17:24:00.000-05:00

What to say, what to say? It has been a while, a great while and yet everything in my life remains as it was at the time of the last post. (looky, it has been over a month.. whee!)

I AM Ms. Sulky Pants.

I was *this* close to getting a great job, a job I thought I would actually be good at… a job that required minimum travel… one that gave me my own office downtown… one that allowed me to work with people, providing services yet remain sane and effective. Needless to say it never happened… That was a few weeks ago and I should be well over it by now, but I won’t like I am totally still complaining about it. Days go by where one can still hear me deep sigh and mutter, “I can’t believe I didn’t get it.”

I am been sitting in this computer chair complaining, crying, whining, sulking, and procrastinating for to long. I have reached a crucial point. I have $22 in my checking account, which means I am at the end of the line. I AM AT ROCK BOTTOM. No intervention, pep talk, or kick in the ass is needed… I get it; I have no choice I must do something, and ASAP.

If there is one thing I learned in my three years of social work curriculum is that you need goals and objectives. These are important for various reasons… You know, like, gauging progress, providing motivation, and proving to foundation and state agencies that they money they are giving you is really freaking working damn it… But really only the first two reasons apply to me. In the coming days I will be compiling goals and objectives to aid me in achieving my mission of becoming a functioning human again. I know you will all be on pins and needles waiting.

Yours truly,

Ms. Sulky Pants, The Queen of The Pity Party.

Well... I am alive.

2005-08-23T02:07:00.000-05:00

But, barely.

Things remain the same. Same place, different day... I am in the process of sizing up trees to hang myself from... Okay, not really, I just like being dramatic.

Still no job.
Still sick of the apartment.

Cats are good, less fighting.
I like diet pepsi, vanilla or lime.

All hatemail can be forwarded to Brian Moyers.

Memory Lane.

2005-08-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

I have been re-reading posts from last year around this time. Its interesting... Like memory lane.

This cracked me up and made me realize only I (and Tim) think that I am funny.

This Hell-Like Vortex I Call My Apartment.

2005-08-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

My dad, while not very into religion, ghosts and spirits, definitely believes in vibes and hexes… Although he would never actually say it since he is such a pain in the ass. I have taken bits and pieces of faith regarding the unknown from both my mom and my dad. I believe in ghosts, afterlife, and I also very much believe in vibes, hexes, and “chi.” I say all of this to say… I think this apartment is hexed with bad vibes and I am getting very negative chi energy from it.

There is just something about this place, something beyond my fucked up bathroom plumbing, fritzy refrigerator, and scary wiring, that leaves me tense and very much not “at home.” The endless amounts of cat hair and dirt I clean do nothing then leave me convinced the apartment is still filthy filthy. Mick and I have been fighting more and more often. This place, its just… just not me.. or him. It’s not us, really.

Just when I am convinced that the apartment is cursed and in a year we will be “happy” and content in a new living situation I think back to the past five years. While living at home attending Junior College and working I was adamant that when I went away to school and got an apartment I would be happy. While I was in my apartment, away at school, I was convinced when I returned to Chicago I would be happy. When I was in Chicago, living at home, I just KNEW life would be gravey once I was settled into an apartment in the city with Mick… Here I am… waiting to be happy in a new apartment. Is the apartment hexed giving of bad vibes (duuddde)? Probably not.

Parts of me want a job so I can get a little shanty alla Beezier, AKA a little semi-dumpy studio, where I can park my fat ass with my cats and be happy alone in dating mode…. or at least learn how to be happy alone in dating mode. Sometimes I want to be free. Sometimes I want to not have to consult anyone as to what my future plans are whether it be for this weekend or for the next ten years. Sometimes I want the butterflies back in my stomach and something new to chew on… Sometimes I want to leave my cats with my mom and go live in Germany.

Sometimes… I WISH THIS APARTMENT SIMPLY WAS HEXED WITH BAD VIBES AND NEGATIVE CHI.

Even Target Won't Employ Me! Be My Friend!

2005-08-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

I just returned from applying at Target. For managment? Nooooo, I wanna be a cashier.

So after waiting an hour and a half to apply, I take my seat at the KIOSK to begin the application and 60 question survey. I was subjected to no less the 15 questions related their tax credit deal. Am I on welfare? Food Stamps? Was I imprisioned? blah blah blah. Nope, no, nah, NO!, nada, never.... Okay, don't call us, we will call you.

Bottom line - I am educated, and I do not give them what they need to save money on taxes. I am not a minority, I have a car, I have some stocks, never been on welfare, never in prision... How dare I attempt to be a minimum wage cashier at Target?

I am very conflicted. I am falling victim to a policy I encouraged. My social worker, fight for social injustice brain is like "Great! There are so many families from the nearby public housing units that need these jobs! they need this money and now they have more oppertunity because of these tax credits!" The unemployed, tired, depressed side of my brain is like "Girl, get a job and pay some damn bills."

Who knows, maybe Target WILL hire me! Maybe they WILL call me... But I doubt it. Until then http://www.jerryssandwiches.com, I'm looking at YOU to hire me.

It's Friday! Means nothing when you have no job though!

2005-07-29T14:26:00.000-05:00

When I was little I remember my mom telling me that everyone has a talent, they just need to find it and practice. Growing up I played volleyball, softball, participated in Girl Scouts, attempted to be an artist, a poet, a writer, a fashion designer (ha!), an interior designer, all with little success. In short, I have tried a whole lot of things but still have yet to find my one true talent… Not artistic, not athletic, not technical….. No, I am not… but… I think I may have found an activity that could prove to be my one and only true natural talent…

Competitive Eating.

Meh… Who am I kidding, I can’t pull that off either - I have the world's worst gag reflex.

My quest continues…..

Oh yea, because it as way funny.

2005-07-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

There has been this little sample bottle of Axe Body Spray floating around my apartment for a while now. I think it smells okay, but Mick hadn't even looked at it, let alone smelled it.

Last night I was laying down watching TV and I look up to see his spraying it on his bare chest. I immeditaly started laughing because, where the hell was his shirt, and WHY was he doing this at 11 at night?

After I finally stopped laughing he stood there a minute and tried to smell himself....

"Agggh! It smells like sleezeball! Gross."

I never laughed so hard in my life.... it totaly DOES smell like sleezball.

Hollllaaaa.

2005-07-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

Weekend update… But for LAST weekend… The weekend that just past was pathetic and completely uneventful.

Harry Potter

Apparently all books stores had Harry Potter parties to celebrate the new book. Thinking only of getting a book and magazine for the 8 hour ride to Kentucky ahead of me I forced my dear Mick to drive me to Barnes and Noble. About 10:00 p.m., on the Friday of Harry, I walked through the doors of the bookstore only to be greeted by short, thin women looking foolish is a pair of faux Harry glasses. “Are you here for Harry?” she asked me.

I was caught way off guard. Seriously, why are there so many children at Barnes and Noble this late? Why does she have glasses on? Why are grown women wearing… capes? Are those fucking capes? Putting it all together I looked at her replied, “Do I LOOK like I am here for Harry.” I think I even grabbed the front of my dirty seat pants and flicked them as to say, “HELLLO! I am in my sweat pants! In and out, sister! No Harry for me!”

I will admit it. I felt bad, J.K. simply cast a spell on that poor girl… she was only doing her job and I was all rude… but come on. I hate Harry, his glasses, and his stupid scar.

Kentucky

Saturday morning, 4 a.m., the day after Harry Night, four idiots crammed into a car to brave the drive from Chicago to Land Between The Lakes, Kentucky. (Don’t be jealous people… don’t hate.) After hitting up 7-11 with various “free” coupons, Mick, myself, and two other friends were mugging down on 7-11 food while watching the expressway roll by. After downing my free turkey sandwich I intended to put my plan into action… I call it, operation SLEEP. Because I am pretty well nocturnal now and taking no ones advice, still not exercising of working – booya, I did not sleep Friday night. (Are you allowed to start sentences with “because?”) Fast-forward to two hours, and about 160 miles later I still sit in the backseat free of sleep laughing and talking like a champion. Forward even farther and you could see me laughing uncontrollably at pretty much nothing for a good 15 minutes. Ahh, my friends love me.

We arrived into Kentucky to attend the well known “Critter Fest.” Upon entering the building housing the fest my dreams of country crafts, weird foods, funnel cakes, and games were destroyed as I learned “Critter Fest” was actually “Creepy Crawly Critter Fest” and was pretty much nothing that I thought it would be. In a nutshell, it consisted of wild animals in cages, interns doing crafts with kids, and bugs… lots of bugs.

Kids? Bugs? Trees? Nature? Sun? Yea, I stood about ten minutes of that shit and was off to unload an immense amount of alcohol into the fridge in a friend’s cabin.

Later that night and STARVING we set out to find a restaurant. Land Between the Lakes and the area in which my country-living friend’s cabin was settled was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. We finally headed to a tourist trap area, in a resort town, chock full of cheesy rich weekenders. Food was consumed and all were happy yet again as we set off to drinks our livers away. Late that evening I was even treated to a viewing of Butterfly Effect… The makers of this moved used ever cheap shot they could, murdered dogs, sexual abuse, wheelchairs, and dead babies in effort to make it scary, though provoking, and good… Personally, to me it was the most awesomely funny movie ever. I am sure I overused “punk’d” while ripping on it, but it was still hysterical… and painful.

All in all, a good weekend… or should I say Saturday night??? In reality we headed back for Chicago Sunday afternoon and endured the 8 hour ride yet again a mere 29 hours later.

Witch-hunt

My friends are losers, but it’s okay. Why? Well, because I too am a huger loser, so, it all works out splendidly. While driving home from Kentucky the executive decision was made to go on a witch-hunt. After reading a book called “Weird Illinois” we learned of the Chesterville Witch and her grave in good ol’ Chersterville Illinois we detoured off the express way a good six miles or so to see the grave and hopefully a ghost or some crap. We finally found the grave after driving around this one inch by one inch Amish town for ten minutes. I wanna give a shot out and a big Thank you to the young hay chewing Amish boy on the side of the road for helping us… HOLLA.

There are some uneventful pictures on my flickr site of the grave. Apparently a young Amish woman spoke out against the church, was labeled a witch, and was found dead in a field. Cut to today there is a grave with a weird, short, spiky metal fence growing into a tree that grew over the grave. While leaving the graveyard my dearest companions head a crazy noise come from the grave as they turned with the flashlight for one last look. I have never seen three grown (?) men so freaked out. I, of course, was talking an whining about leaving so I missed the noise. When the heard it, they all freaked the fuck out and ran as fast as they could to the car leaving me lagging behind saying, “stop screwing with me you assholes.” In the end, they swear they heard something and I believe them because they were pale, jabbering fools fumbling to get in the car and out of town.

Next stop? Bachelors Grove. (What they call "orbs" I like call - SHIT ON THE CAMERA LENS.)

U B Ugggly.

2005-07-25T14:55:00.000-05:00

this is fun...

http://glennferon.com.nyud.net:8090/portfolio1/index.html

I wish I could do that to myself in pics.

Its 4:42 a.m.

2005-07-13T04:40:00.000-05:00

I am the nocturnal creature... muuhahahaha

Its sick really... I go to sleep at 3, 4, or 5 and wake up at 12, 1, or 3. Sometimes, I get over 10 hours sleep... very gross.

Any suggestions? I mean seriously, how in the hell do you get back on a normal sleep pattern?

Flickr.

2005-07-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

I was an uploading fool today... Take a look at all the new pictures I posted...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jnel

Newly added:

Europe
-Amsterdam
-Gent
-Antwerp
-Brugge
-Brussels
-Belin
-Dresden
-Prague
-Vienna
-Salzburg
-Munich

Chicago Pride Parade

Taste of Chicago

and a bunch more random crap.

enjoy!

Sideways was a boring, slow, SHITTY movie. Bite me.

2005-07-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

I have been in a major rut recently. I want to write but nothing comes out. Long boring days, no responses to my resumes, allergies, and feeling bad about myself have left me at a loss.

-My days have been filled with thinking. Thinking things like…

-Dude, I bet Marilyn Milian is hot in bed. Feisty.

-Stop eating cheese. SERIOUSLY...

-Why does no one call me for interviews?

-Do the in-laws hate me?

-If I get up and go the beach right now I am sure I will find a great sunny spot…. Oh wait… Cheaters is on again? Awesome.

-You are not hungry… You are B-O-R-E-D.

-Why does no one call me back when I request an interview?

-If I were a character in a romance novel, I would totally rip on people… “My love is strong for you?” Suuuuuuure, buddy… Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

-Why does my cat smell like pizza?

-When I grow up I want a parrot names Iguana… yea, you heard me.

-If I were to see Mark Burhele at a bar, I wonder how to go about seducing me.

-Swimming….

So yea… Its pretty painful over here in J.Nel land. One day I will get around to putting my Taste of Chicago and Pride Parade pictures up on that Flickr account.

No words.

2005-07-01T12:59:00.000-05:00

Its not often I hear a story of child abuse that really really gets to me. I am not cold hearted, though, promise. Working in the field, I somewhat learned to seperate the act/s from the emotional part in my brain... you simply can't do your job if you are shocked, hurt, upset and bothered about it... Does that make sense?

But this.... this is really fucking with my head. (Found on Fresh-Hell.com)

Prostitution.... Chicago's Response.

2005-06-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how I feel about this... but I think it is kinda awesome...

Some of these men are going to be CRUSHED.... comming from their rich subburbs... hee!

http://www.chicagopolice.org/ps/list.aspx

Not trying to be profound here.... really.

2005-06-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

On a whim I called a very old friend who I have not seen in about two years. Although I have very little in common with this friend anymore, and we only talk a couple times a year, I still really do consider her a “friend” and enjoy her a ton. After speaking with her for a good hour on Wednesday we decided to go to dinner and out for some drinks on Thursday night. We got down on some Applebees, and went to the “hottest” Thursday night bar/club/beer garden on the Southside of Chicago. Because we are do vaery different, what with her being all hot and what not, I experienced something I have never experienced, and probably never again experience in my life… I was VIPed by the bouncer. Okay, SHE was VIPed by the bouncer I simply tagged along and got goofy looks for it…. At least I saved on the $5 cover.

So I know at least one person is wondering how we are different… Lets break it down.

Me.

I have overweight and consider my black healed boots, GAP jeans, and a fitted black shirt being dressed up to go out. It is my uniform really. “Hey Jen, wanna go out,” you ask? “Oh course I do,” I reply. “Fuck! Where is my plain black shirt!?”

I am excited that I finally grew out my real nails… Even if they are thin, they are mine… and FREE.

I have not had my hair re-highlighted in like 50 years so it looks horrible, and honesty… I simply am not stressed out about it at all.

I place very little value in fancy cars, name brand items, and jewelry. (Okay. I love me some Coach… whatever.)

I like to drink beer, laugh, play bar games, and dance.

Her

Has a great body with a perfectly large ass. Body covered in only the nicest, most trendy designer clothing.

Has perfect acrylic nails and perfectly placed, completely unnoticeable, hair extensions which she changes with new hair every month.

Rocks trendy stiletto heeled “grown up” shoes, and toted a Gucci purse.

She can’t wait to pay off her car so that she can buy a used Mercedes as her next car.

Likes to walk around the bar/club as though she is looking for someone to look hella cool at the hot spot, yo.

---

Sorry… that was pitiful. Really, I am only mildly jealous… After seeing how men looked at her, I know I would never ever want that. Seriously, the leering looks from all the sleazy horn balls almost made me vomit while the bitchy looks from all the other girls made me want to kick some ass. Ahhh… I just don’t think I could handle being hot without at some point breaking someone’s bones… and that would simply not be very hot now would it.

Bottom line, we are different, but I still love her – hotness and all... Even if she makes me feel like a fat, ugly, uncool, manly girl with ugly shoes.

Kevin's here I come.

2005-06-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

One year ago when I graduated from Southern Illinois University, and was rejected by the University of Illinois at Chicago for graduate school I began looking for employment. I was applying in Southern Illinois, St. Louis, and Chicago and was way excited about it. I put at least an hour into each cover letter and researched organizations, I mean really researched them... I would get into mode and do it for hours a day and feel confident that I was the shit. At one point I had one formal job offer and two more "its very likely" job offers. One in Chicago, one in St. Louis, and one in Southern Illinois. Accepting the job is Chicago was, at the time, the hardest decision I ever made. I cried for days because I just wasn't sure and was almost positive I was settling for the job because they actually offered it to me. Later that moment was replaced with my decision to leave that job after only three months, and accept a very last minute position in UIC's graduate program. So one year later here I sit at the same computer I sat at just a little over one year ago looking for a job.

Same person. Same computer. New location. New lack of confidence and motivation.

Daily, I study all of the new job postings added to npo.net, monster.com, hotjobs.com, careerbuilder.com, dailysouthtown.com, and chicagojobs.com and none of them ever appear to be something for me. I won't get into details, but I know what I want and it appears I can't have it because of lack of experience. This is experience I can't get, because they simply do not have entry levels jobs in this area. I have come to one conclusion. I suck. Plain and simple.

I say all of that to say...

I really think I may hit up Kevin's Hamburger Heaven for a waitressing job... because for real, I got me some skills in something... I just know it.

2005-06-13T13:43:00.000-05:00

It was a loooong week. Highlights include petting a bobcat while evading being hit by it rocket pee, learning that owls make hideous noises while masturbating, being me to a bossy little girl at the beach, and a whole lot of laying around on various people's couches.

Currently, I am home. Home sitting in my computer room. In the back of the apartment. The end of the apartment with no air conditioning.... This means, I currently hate my computer because to be near it means to sweat like a 300lb marathon runner. Yea, we are living white trash fabulous. We have the window unit in the bedroom and a gigantic sheet separating the front of the house from the back in effort to keep part of the house tolerable. Also, we have a large window fan pulling air from the bedroom into the front room. We be classy. I can't wait for Wed. when the heat lets up.

Off to Walgreen and Dominicks where I will be ripped off by the man while I pay excessive prices for every god damn thing I need. Woot.

Hola from Rural Missouri!

2005-06-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

Currently, I am in Southeast Missouri. A little town I am sure EVERYONE is familiar with -- Jackson. Oh yea. Later today I will trek on down to Northern Kentucky to visit a friend in another famous place, Paducah. Later in the week Carbondale will be home.

After dumping the cats at my parents house for the week my dad said, "When are you going to get this gypsy out of your ass and get a job?" Hee.

Maybe, if I do anything cool (ha!) I can tell of the adventure here....

The most boring, pointless post - evah. (Is evah not cool anymore? Send me a memo.)

2005-06-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

You know when a stay at home parent starts losing ability to speak and function with adults? All that baby talk gets to their brain? Well... I think the same can happen with cats.I do nothing all day. I make a mess, clean it up. A cat shits, I tell them they are stinky and clean the box. A cat does something cute, I praise them and squeeze them. Everytime I see a cat I must have a conversation with them. Sure, cats don't talk, but I can talk for them! "Who is a pretty kitty today!?" "Moma you are the bets mommy ever," I reply in a baby voice. By the end of the day when Mick comes home from work, and I am like a brain dead asshole. Last night, when I was talking, he just looked at me and said, "Jen.... Are you retarded? Seriously, is your brain dying? I have no idea what you are saying to me right now."

Yes.

Yes, my brain is dying from a mere two weeks of doing nothing. Where has time gone? How can two weeks of brain numbing boredom go by so fast? I will survive, because Ima survivor, Beyonce.In other news, on Monday I started the job hunt. I couldn't take it anymore. Agreement broken, my head hurts and I have read like 4 books in two weeks. (mystery romances are the shit.) Oh, and no more court shows, PLEASE. I now feel that I am fully able to go to small claims court and kick some ass. After watching days of Peoples Court, Judge Mathis, and SOMETIMES Divorce Court I feel I have gained the skills to win any battle... who wants to sue me? I dare you.

Oh, and Cheaters! Don't get me started on some cheaters! I have no decided it I think that show is awesomely horrible, or just plain exploitingly horrible. But I watch it. Yes sir re bob. I watch both episodes!

I also find day time commercials very, very entertaining.

-Come to IIT and better yourself and you career!

-You life going no where fast? Come to Robert Morris College and graduate with your bachelors in, like, two weeks!

-Have you fallen down on the street? Do you think it was someone's fault? Sue Sue Sue!!!!! Call me and I will win you money!

-Do you bills surpass your income? Are in a whole? File bankruptcy!!!!!

-Call Luna for new carpet! 773 282 L-U-N-A! (you have to sing Luna for the full effect.)

I almost feel bad for not meeting any of this critera. Hello, I have a Masters (Which is kinda screwing me right now because no one wants to hire me for a master level job with no expirience, and no one wants to hire me for a bachelors level job and pay me for the masters... Y afeel me?), I am not in horrible, horrible, life ruining debt, I have no one to sure for anything, and I don't need any fucking carpet. I am the most pathetic stay at home and do nothing loser on earth!

Cats! Oh no, cover your eyes cat haters.

2005-06-02T07:07:00.000-05:00

When we first moved into this (shit-hole) apartment I noticed that the neighbors on both sides of us have mama pigeons nursing their babies in the gutters. So oh course, I go, “How cute!” and talk to them daily. Because, you know, I am insane and birdies like to be talked to.

Now?

I fucking hate those bitches and am considering googling ways to make the leave forever…. LEEAAAAVE!

You see, since are on the second floor, we are very close to the neighbors gutter… I am talking waaay too close. Every morning what do I wake up to? Cooing. Yes. COOING. Loud ass, get away from my babies, I am fat, cooing coming from the mama. I hate it, I mean HATE it, but…..

The cats love it. I am sure they would love it more if they could actually eat her, and her babies, but in the meantime they are really feeling this “lets stare at the mama bird until our eyes bleed” routine. I love that they can put aside their hate for each other for 10 minutes and stare together. I also enjoy how Abbey’s ass reminds me of a gigantic raccoon ass.

Yea, I love me cats. Eat it.

You're No Tommy Lee, You Loser.

2005-05-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

By gum, my next door neighbor got himself a drum set.

Sure I don't hate music, I just kinda dislike it. Espcially when it is bad, loud, and comming through my computer room window... Oh, and when it is ALLLL drums. I need some cowbell, people.

Sure am glad I bought myself some ear plugs while sharing a room with a snoring mammoth in Prague.

Too cool for school.

2005-05-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back. I am home. I am in the place I yearned for so much when on my European extravaganza. Home sweet home. Guess what? I am so bored I am considering plucking off all of my eyebrows… ya know… just for fun.

The dearest boyfriend has been working insane hours leaving me to sit here alone, with the cats, pondering my life. When I call him at work – just to chat – he says, “Get a job! I’m busy,” and hangs up. I smile. Why do I smile? Because we have an agreement. I have had a job for every minute of my life since I was 15 and a half. At one point, even if for only for 4 days, I actually had three jobs. For the first time in, like forever – aka 8 years – I am jobless. Here is where the agreement comes in. Because I do pride myself on having an amazing work ethic it enrages me to hear someone state, “GET A JOB!” as though I am a huge loser. This is when I decided, every time the boyfriend tells me to get a job I put off the job hunt one more day… I actually think I don’t have to start looking until June 5th. Sometimes, because I am evil I totally set him up to say it… thus giving me one more worry free day.

What about your bills you say? Ahh, this is the pretty part. The boyfriend owes me so much money we have yet another agreement. He will simply pay all the bills until August 1st, then he will be free of the “loan shark.” Sometimes I leave the bedroom light on allllll day just for fun… because, again I am evil.

So here I sit. With coffee in hand, a cat in my lap, and one clawing at my leg pondering where I am in my life. You know what? Again I must say it, I am so fucking bored. BOOORRRED. I think to myself, “Big J, lets high tail it to Target, because Target is bad ass.” And then I remember, although I have no bills to pay, I also have no money to spend and I remained seated… with a fat ass, farting, crabby cat in my lap. I once met a man who said, “My dear, only boring people can get bored.” To him I said, “Shut up you condescending fucker.”

I am so boring.

Still alive, homies.

2005-05-20T03:12:00.000-05:00

While traveling alone sometimes a person can almost go crazy if they go too long with out a conversation with another enlish speaking person. SO! Lately, I think I am going crazy. I find myself talking to myself as I wait for a train, bus, bathroom, light to change, whatever... I talk to myself... in made up languages. For example, fake French or dutch. I just say stuff that sounds ethnic. Oh and I like to sing songs using words I do know in languages... like all the pleases and thanks yous and bathrooms... yea, I make songs... and sing them... to myself... in public... because I am losing my mind.

2005-05-05T16:38:00.000-05:00

Hi kids.

The site I orginially posted as my travel blog is dead. Email me for the link to the new one... I am trying to do some damage control.

I am currently posting from the lobby of my hostel in Amsterdam. Its about 11:30 and the reception man is ripped.... he is on something I am sure of it... he has the most insane laugh, I shouldn't complain though - he gave me FREE internet time. Seriously, I didn't think it would be so expensive, 3-4 dollars an hour! With that said, obviously I am not likely to do much picture uploading... although everynow and then I throw a couple completely random ones up... so take a peeky if you wish.

Overall, I am doing well. I am off to Belgium tomorrow. I have no reservations for hostels anywhere, I am not too stressed but it does kinda freak me out. If anything I will sleep in the train station or take a night train somewhere else and miss out on the place I had planned to visit. I am just fat and don't enjoy lugging my bag around for hours... I can hadle an hour of two - but I am not sure I could do any longer then that. I am amazed with how big some peoples bags are... its crazy. mine is probably medium size, overall pretty tolerable.

anyway, off to bed.

Amsterdam

2005-05-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

Amsterdam
Originally uploaded by J.Nel.

Just a peek. Uploading pictures takes forever.

Hey, its something.

2005-04-28T07:55:00.000-05:00

Hi.

I leave Monday. Be nice on that site, it is one my parents, bosses, coworkers, friends, and former school "friends" will be readings.... So if any of you lurkers feel the urge to get crazy, lets keep that shit over here.... you too Susan... hee!

I won't lie I am more stressed about the "blog" part then the packing or preparing part. So many different people on so many different levels of my life... WHO AM I!? ya know? Anyway lets play nice.

So, last friday I got a new kitty. She is so happily shown on the right. She is cute. Sure her hair is waaaay too long and she is clawing everything in site but I still kinda like her. As for the Abbinator and the new kitty getting along? Yea... not so much. They were at hard core, shock-n-awe, war this morning over a bug on the floor. Hissing, spitting, scratching... it was evil. At least they are able to be in the same room together.... see, its not so bad. I think it is going to get way nasty over here when I leave for a month... I'm not sure the boyfriend has enough love to give them... I think they may join forces and attack him while his drunk ass sleeps.

Okay. I am diconnecting the internet now. I have complete the last of my homework today and tomorrow and I have absolutaly no self control. So... bye all!

Flickr.com

2005-04-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

Hey, I have a free flickr pro account I can give away.... Anyone out there think they would want to use it??? email me!

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

2005-04-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

I bitch too much… I know. But honestly, most of the time it is just in attempt to be funny… so brush it off, homeys.

I complain frequently about the meat factories, hillbillies, and gross restaurants in my neighborhood…. And this makes me feel guilty because in many ways my neighborhood is the shit. So in order to prove that I can see a glass half full, I will provide you with seven reasons everything right now is awesome.

1. I went to TWO White Sox games in four days. The seats were amazing and they won both games. Also, THEY HAVE MARGARITAS. Yes, strawberry margaritas… and just like the beer and hot dog man, they COME TO YOU. I have to say, it was the coolest thing ever.

2. When going to class, I have a half hour bus ride. It is way sweet. No more 75 minute commuter train and mile walk, no more driving for an hour and a half. Nope. Now I simply walk a block and half to the corner and stand there awaiting my chariot of stank to come sweep me off to school. Once on the bus, I sit in the back and read while people who get on in the next few stops cram together in the aisle.

3. I don’t have to do the dishes. EVER. I can let them sit anywhere I want, whenever I want. Oh, and if they get to gross and moldy, I can totally throw them away because… well, because I can!

4. I live about two miles from a Hotel Liquidators outlet. Oh yeah, fifteen dollar end tables, hundred dollar pull out sofas, fifty dollar dressers! Sure, it all need a mean cleaning, but its cool, I have an upholstery cleaner.

5. I like my parents, I do… I have to say I really like them a whole bunch when I don’t live with them. Since I have moved out, all of about a week and half ago, I have hung out with them more then I think I have in the past year.

6. On the corner, around the block, I have a set of white gangstas, as is gaaaanGstahhhh… Thats kinda how I say it… Anyway, they live around the block and provide me with hours of entertainment and many chances to say, “gaaanGstaaahhhhh!”

7. The final reason I am happy and content in my current situation? The area I live in is the kind of place where you can witness a tattooed, morbidly obese women harass a tiny Indian man at the laundry-mat. This woman screamed, “Leave me along FAG! FAGGOTS! Fucking faaaaaaag! Go back to where you came from, faggot” at the owner of the laundro-mat. The police came, more white trash friends arrived… yelling, screaming, and fat flopping ensued… it was hysterical in a sad Jerry Springer way. (The term “faggot” was what got me… it was like whoa, but not really. She said it so seriously… it was odd. If I were her, the tattooed, morbidly obese white-trash lady, I would have called him something waaaay cooler…. Like a toe-licking, quarter hoarding, mothafucka. Badass.)

I am the cats meow.... or something.

2005-04-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

I have insane amount of homework.

I leave for a 32 day trip in, ohh, 16 days and I am not even close to being prepared.

My socks are dirty, I wore them yesterday.

My bedroom contains simply a bed, and an enormous mound of clothes.

My office is simply a desk, chair, unpacked boxes, and mounds of papers.

My kitchen stinks like rotting food because we have no taken out the garbage.

My cat vomits all over the floor. (I think she is just nervous and still adjusting to the place. She will be fine as soon as she gets used to hearing the upstairs neighbors play, what sounds like, tackle football all day. They are classy.)

My allergies are acting up like a motha.

This morning when an elderly woman honked and me I honestly yelled, “Fuck you, you fucking cunt.” I am very embarrassed about that…. It hurt to type it.

Tomorrow, I plan to sleep until well afternoon… then maybe I will like… I dunno… DO something.

Yummy.

2005-04-11T11:22:00.000-05:00

My dearest friend P. (who once has a blog here, but stopped because she is a big, wussy, baby) sent me this link… Maybe I am like a ten year old boy, but seriously, I was unable to stop laughing when I read, "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances." Come on!

Love and Marriage... go together like...

2005-04-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

Since Mick and I have started “real life,” I have been asked numerous times by various people when we intend to get married. I always reply the same way, “Meh. We don’t really talk about it… maybe one day,” they reply with a facial expression that can only be described as half confused, a fourth shocked, and a fourth disgusted. After a second of looking at me like I just told them I eat monkey brains for breakfast they say, “But… But… No plans?” Is this THAT shocking? I mean really, is it THAT odd? Hello, 2005. I suppose it is a wee bit strange that Mick and I will be having out nine year anniversary in June, but still. COME ON. You should see how riled up people get when I tell them we are hoping to buy a home in a year or two. “But, hey! You have to get married then!” they say. I reply, “Nope. Not so much. I am perfectly able to seek out legal assistance when developing a contract for the purchase. I am super smart…. I am in grad school, did I tell you that? Oh yes, very smart indeed. MSW smart, bitch.”

Just as an FYI to Mick, friends, family, and strangers – I bring you:

MY Rules of Engagement.

I don’t do yellow gold.
I will not have a long engagement.
I will NEVER refer to Mick as my Fiancé.
If Mick EVER refers to ME as his Fiancé, he will lose a testicle.
I will not have a church wedding.
It is not likely I will wear a white dress.
It is not likely I will wear white at all, I am no liar people.
The wedding will be somewhere cool, not at Fran’s Reception Hall in Burbank, Illinois.

Please understand this is in no way a passive aggressive plea for a proposal. I am positive if I were to be asked at this point in my life my answer would be a big fat, “Shut up!” I am simply sick of people passing judgment and their values on me. I am a big girl, I am living in sin, suck it.

Yea, I have no time for this... but...

2005-04-06T15:29:00.000-05:00

Mikey was right, Colorgenics are indeed the shit.

What is freakily true:

“You are striving to make favorable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbors are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.”

“Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight.”

“You are demanding and very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of colleagues and friends -perhaps you demand too much from people. That perfection you seek in a particular person is illusive - perhaps it does not even exist.”

“You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.”

What is not so true:

"You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life."

“You are a perfectionist in everything that you put your hand to.”

“You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others."

Not too sure about:

“You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material."

A Bolded Update.

2005-04-06T15:04:00.000-05:00

Apartment.
I almost feel like a normal functioning human being again. The apartment is mostly unpacked, all we still need to move in are the dressers, and we finally have a clean bathroom (thanks heavily to Mick and an entire bottle of bleach). Last night we realized that not only do we currently have (free) cable, but we also have (free) internet access - high speed, baby, whoa yea. In celebration I bought a new desk, file cabinet, and file cabinet/bookshelf thingy for, get this, only$50. Brand new. Thank you Office Max.

Neighborhood.
Let’s talk about my new neighborhood for second, shall we? Well, the neighborhood was founded back in day by Lithuanians and Irish factory workers. Today, factories and stockyards are present, even if they are not still in buisness. In fact, the stockyard from The Jungle is not very far at all from my apartment. Left from back in the day, are an array of crazy factories including, Lamb and Veal Packing, Pepsi, Beef Packing, Auto Parts, Hot Dog Processors, etc.. I have concluded that my new neighborhood is essentially Satan’s armpit. By this I mean it if full of stinky, smoky factories, people more white trash then those I lived near in Southern Illinois, and free of wonderful restaurants. Satan’s armpit. BUT IT IS OKAY. I have (free) cable and internet and a huge cheap apartment close to transportation, the White Sox and the Loop... I will survive the funk smells, mice, and pot-smoking, Leonard Skinnerd listening hillbilly neighbors that take residence on the top floor of my six flat apartment building. Oh yes, I will survive.

School.
I have nearly completed one of my three papers. Can I get a big fat Napoleon Dynamite “YESSSS!” Yessss! Sure, I still have the ugly part of the paper to complete including my statistical analysis and literature review, but hey I am finally getting somewhere. Also, my last two papers are strictly research papers… Entire lit reviews if you will. Not bad to write, very bad to research for.

Family.
My mother and sister have kidnapped my cat. In the past nine months they have fallen in love and are freaking out at the thought of losing her. I fully intend to take her back this weekend, but I have not told them yet…. If I tell them, I know she will go missing. I must be stealthy when regaining custody of the Abbinator.

That’s all I have for now… I have to actually work today…

I’ll be back.

2005-04-01T07:16:00.000-06:00

I have dug myself into a huge unorganized hole. I am currently climbing my fat ass out, and this could take a while…

If you don’t hear from me by mid-week next week one of three things may have happened:

1. As I slept in my new apartment, a mouse ate my face and I am awaiting plactic surgery to look human again.
2. I have cracked under the pressure, and you can send your condolences to The Nutty Acres Home in Crazyville, USA.
3. I may or may not have at home internet connection and am still very stressed and busy.

Lets cross our fingers for number three.

Stress Factor.

2005-03-28T11:30:00.000-06:00

Lately, I would say for at least the last year, I have had pretty much no problem falling asleep. I’m talking instant sleep, my head hits the pillow and I am done. Until last night that is. I was completely unable to sleep. At the last clock glance I can remember I had laid there for two and a half hours. At first I blamed my inability to sleep on the neighbor dog that kept barking. Then it was the smell of bleach on me from cleaning the apartment. Then it was my runny nose. After skimming through every possibility I think I realized the reason I was completely unable to sleep. I am the world’s worst student. Seriously. This semester I have done little to no work, and with my final month coming like a damn fright train I am realizing that I have an insane amount of work to do. In all honesty, I have an entire semesters worth of work to complete in four weeks.

The move is coming along, and it provides a nice way for me to procrastinate even more. Lets go over some time consuming details, shall we?

Over the weekend we moved a million car load of what appears to be useless crap to the apartment. We have completed cleaning (I mean CLEANING like a psycho with straight bleach) more then half of the kitchen and unpacked all the kitchen crap. I hid all weekend from the bathroom because, seriously, its really funky. I did however have dreams of fixing the bathroom up by adding a new medicine cabinet and light fixture and painting the homemade PLYWOOD vanity under the sink… Yea, but the landlord smashed those dreams into the ground. Apparently he likes plywood and has no desire to have someone improve his place for him. Whatever, although I did set him straight on getting me that smoke detector ASAP…. I mean, COME ON! Oh yea, and, MOUSE HOLES. Yes. Five of them…. Let me repeat FIVE MOUSEHOLES. I have no words…. All I can say is those little assholes better get out and stay out because I am filling those holes and releasing the cat on them.

Oh my god. I very likely live in a slum... now all I need is some Virginia hair. (I had the hardest time EVER finding that link.)

Identity theft is fuuuuun.

2005-03-25T10:06:00.000-06:00

You know those Citibank (?) commercials that illustrate identity theft by using images of people and voices of others… Like the grandma who is talking in a hillbilly manly voice about racking up credit and buying a truck because its not his identity? Well imagine me talking, and thick Mexican accent coming out saying something along the lines of, “Hey, I work hard. I pay my bills. I am illegal and just picked a random social security number for my Kohl’s charge card, Jewel saver card, and electric company account.”

I have the only identity stealer using who actually pays his bills thus leaving me in credit report hell. You see, in order to get a hold put on your social security number through the three credit bureaus, you must file a police report… In order to file a police report, I need a full name (which I do not have) and some sort of evidence of fraud. Well, since my identity thief is an upstanding man, paying all of his bills on time and shopping at Jewel like a champ, I have little to go on. I don’t know, the police made an incident report with the pathetic amount of information I have gave me a smile and said, “Yeaaaah. Good luck with that.” I would like to this that Mr. Jose will continue being a decent guy and paying his bills, but at the same time I can’t just let someone all up in my stuff like that… I'm sure this happens to a lot of people, but, why me damn it?

I'll keep my blood, thanks homie.

2005-03-24T22:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I have never been so grossed out... Although, I am so intrigued by the downward spriral that is Britney Spears' life.

P.S. I am all calm, cool, and collected. I promise not to have a mental breakdown, thanks for the kind emails.... FREAKS!

My cat.

2005-03-24T11:25:00.000-06:00

"Is it just me or are cats drag queens? I think they are...the way they're always like "Who loves kitty? Oh are these your shoes? *puke*" -- Robin Williams

I agree, Robin.

Daily, while on my home computer, my dearest cat making a raging effort to "kiss" me on the nose with her asshole. She literally backs that ass up into my face. Seriously, WHY do cats try to constantly touch you with there hole? Is their a reason? Enlighten me, before she becomes someones dinner.

Freak-Out!

2005-03-24T08:57:00.000-06:00

So, anyone who knows me will tell you I can be a bit of a freak-out in certain situations. I could never work crisis calls, or work in a hospital or with the Police because I simply can’t handle it…. Because that shit I is not planned, man. It just kinda happens, and that is way scary to me. I am a tad high strung, and a planner so, when things don’t go according to my plan… yea, I can freak – so what? Anyway, I say this, only to say… I AM FREAKING OUT.

“So. Why dear J.Nel tell me the whoas of you. We are all sooooo interested,” you say.

Well at 1:30 today I go turn in the lease and pick up the keys to the apartment, and now I am left asking myself even more questions… questions like:

What if there is no central air? I will die? Its 2005, who doesn’t have central air?
What if the apartment smells like ass and I simply didn’t notice because of my “sinus pressure?” (Thanks, P!)
What if the apartment is always as dark and dreary as it was the night we viewed it? I mean, I assumed it was that way because of the night! The moon, not sun! Night!
What if my cat freaks out and hates it. What if she tried to eat my face when I sleep in retaliation?
What if, when I bring this man a money order for the first months rent and the deposit, he robs me? What if we rushed into this one, and we end up hating its bloody guts?

End rant. Breath.

Ahhh, much better. See just letting that all helped out. I don’t need therapy… I can be my own therapist. Now I can make myself an individual service plan! Yesss! It’s a plan!

Bow wow wow.

2005-03-23T14:14:00.000-06:00

Online quizzes usually piss me off. Generally, they are so lame I refrain from even admitting that I looked at them… although… this one, is kinda cute. So if you have a couple minutes do it up…

Apparently I am an American Water Spaniel? Whathe hell is that? I'm not too sure either but I am told that I must be a good swimmer with a keen sense of smell. Also, I am great for therapy and hunting.

Who made this thing? Some people have entirely too much time on their hands. (Says the girl updates a ‘blog’ at work.)

Time to make the doughnuts!

2005-03-23T08:46:00.000-06:00

I think we have found an apartment. Yesterday evening we looked at two units only about 5 blocks apart from each other. The first unit WAS MY DREAM apartment - gigantic windows, wood floors, crown moldings, super high ceilings, and a large pantry. There were only two problems with it… The bedrooms were tiny and it was overall pretty small for the price. Also, as we were leaving and getting into our car we heard gun shots and saw people running from the housing project that was literally down the block. Mick says, “Hey, they are shooting. Get in the car.” I reply, “Ohh, I think they are done now.” It worries me that we really didn’t pay too much attention. We simply got in the car and turned around and drove away. An I that desensitized that I simply said, “they’re done!” I mean, what the hell was that about. Needless to say we choose the second apartment we looked at.

With this comes both excitement and anxiety because we are looking at an April 1st move in date. The apartment is huge for the price, and is in a nice location near new houses and a new park. It is literally about 5 blocks from the White Sox Stadium in the Bridgeport area of Chicago. Reality just set in this morning that this is my first major, real-life venture. What if I get in a car accident and have no health insurance? What if the boyfriend and I realized we have developed a hatred for each other? What is my car breaks? I can “what if,“ all day but the reality is that I am an adult and I need to quit my bitching. I’m going to been just peachy.

I’m a lazy mutha.

2005-03-22T11:01:00.000-06:00

It’s Spring Break, Bitches! (Sorry, I have been watching way too much Chappelle… but really? You should be too, so here ya go! Click it! Click this too!) Seriously though, I have had nothing but the fullest of intentions of being productive. I assume I would do nothing but write my three research papers all this week. Today I woke up at 10:00 a.m. not the 8:00 a.m. I had planned, but that shouldn’t make me a failure! That simply means I have from 10:00 to 1:30 to actually do some work, right? Well, seeing from what I am doing now, I would say not so much. Eating candy, talking to my mom, calling places about passports, cavities, and apartments, that is what I am doing.

All of the apartments I am looking at currently are right near the Chicago White Sox stadium. (I refuse to call it by its new name.) This is very exciting because now, I can walk my fat ass to games! No more parking! Woo!

Dun Dun Dun, Movin' on Up...

2005-03-21T10:48:00.000-06:00

It seems that after almost a year of being in "transitional" living, at home with my parents, it is now my time to actually leave. The first seven months were bad, but ultimately not that bad, but since January? Now that’s another story completely…. Lets just say I am not too upset about moving, it’s the money I am concerned about.

My dearest boyfriend called this morning and let me in the secret they were holding from him at work. It seems he is being transferred from a West Chicago suburb to the North Side of Chicago. I have absolutely no problem with this, but he is damn near throwing a temper tantrum. I swear to god, for a brief moment, I think he shed a tear when telling me the news. "I am not a fucking yuppie-hipster, Jen!" he whined. "I know my love, I know…" I replied while thinking in my head, "YESSSS! Now I can be a cool hipster and shop on Belmont DAILY! Woo!"

Anyway, now beings apartment shopping, and let me tell you, it is going to be a disaster. I have no problem paying $850 a month to live up north in a small two bedroom apartment while he is appalled that I would even suggest such a thing. Apparently, in his deluded mental world, we can find a nice sized, pet friendly apartment in a good neighborhood, near his work, for $500 a month. I, while living on earth, realize that this is not too likely. Now begins the battle between North and South, between cheap and "expensive," between big and small…

I think perhaps I should put an advertisement in the classifies of the Chicago Sun Times… Unfurnished rental apartment needed, two bedrooms, at least 750 square feet, pet friendly, near public transportation, in Chicago, good schools, low crime rate, low utilities, for UNDER $500 a month. Oh yes, and no garden apartments please, creepies aren’t going to be crawling through my window in the middle of night! I need stairs between me and the common man on the street.

Yes, I think I will do that… I think I may need to make and excel spreadsheet to help me keep all of the responses organized! I mean, who wouldn’t respond to that!?

Banana Hammock

2005-03-18T15:44:00.000-06:00

Summer is just around the corner my friends! The gyms are full of sweaty fat people, tank tops and bathing suits are displayed at stores, and Old Navy has begun its campaign to brainwash us all into thinking knee length shorts on women are okay… ahh, can’t you smell the hot summer air? In honor of the yearning for summer, I have decided to link all of my male readers to this fabulous swimsuit sale. I fully expect you all to browse, buy, and wear. Oh, also to send me pictures.

The artist formerly known as...

2005-03-18T12:29:00.000-06:00

Is "Kung Pow Chicken" Chinese for "dog meat?" Because, fo realz yo, I think I just got down on some dog. Plus, it wasn’t cooked all the way, so that shit was still barking. That’s really not funny… sorry. I hope you ate lunch already.

Anyway, I would like to thank my bladder for becoming infected and causing me to piss, what feels like, straight acid. Hmmm, Boy! I do love me some lower abdomen pain and the constant urge to pee… I also take great pleasure in submitting to my urinary tract by making way to the bathroom, only to be greeted by THREE droplets of pee. Life is peachy keen, people, PEACHY KEEN.

I have nothing to say. Everyday this week I have been thinking of pearls of wisdom to share with you all, but in the end I am speechless. At the moment, my life sucks that bad… and I have frizzy hair.

But to be a little more positive, my cold sores have picked up and moved away… for the time being at least. Who wants to make out?

Hello, and welcome to procrastination station!

2005-03-09T22:43:00.000-06:00

Today I attended and helped with the registration at a national conference that works to link social services and schools. In all, 900 were expected to turn out from around the world. In a matter of five minutes I met someone from a French school in crazy Canada, an engineer from Japan, and a government worker from Holland. It was sweet because I felt totally important and cool.

Anyway that damn conference drained me, I came home and passed out. Maybe it was from all the sake I was sneaking in the bathroom with the Japanese man, maybe it was that I got 3 hours sleep, who knows… Who cares? Exactly.

I got a paper cut. A mean, deep paper cut. Please, hold off on calling the ambulance, I think I have finally stopped the bleeding and do not feel amputation is appropriate at this time. Generally I would fail to share such interesting information with you, but this paper cut is very different then your standard slit on the finger tip. This paper cut is UNDER my nail, where the skin and my nail meet. It is soooo gross. I dry heave merely thinking about it. (While watching my mother’s favorite movie of all time, Jackass – The Movie, I closed my eyes, covered my ears, and hummed when they were giving themselves paper cuts… I simply could not handle it.)
Aside from running the conference registration with a Band-Aid on my finger, looking all contagious, I also sported a mean cold sore on my lip for the day. I think it is a cold sore ON TOP of a cold sore actually… that or an alien has taken up residence in my lip. That could explain the throbbing, pulsing, pain. Hrmmm, I will keep you updated on the state of my gigantic, mother of all cold sores.

...cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane.

2005-03-08T16:04:00.000-06:00

Well, in reality I hope it isn't a jet plane, rather a big plush plane with good movies, nice flight attendants, and all I can eat peanuts.

It's official. I confirmed it.

Set. in. stone. baby.

My hand was shaking but I knew I had to do it. "Click it!" the adventurous part of my brain chanted while the over-thinking part of my brain simply screaming, "NOOO!" I clicked it. Really, I should have done it last week, I would have saved myself $30, but that time I let the over-thinker make the decision, this time the adventurer won. After clicking the button nothing less then shear panic swept through my body, and brain, as I waited for the confirmation page to load. Did I do it? Oh no, can I return it? What if? It's as though my adventures brain stepped back and allowed the over-thinking brain to freak the fuck out. I hope the adventurous brain regains control soon because thinking about phrasebooks, and passports, and quick dry socks, and food, and bugs, and all the other crap I have to think about is daunting.

May 2nd at 2:55 p.m. I will leave on a plane. The destination? Philadelphia... but have no fear that is only for 2.5 hours. May 3 at 9:55, Holland time, I will begin my journey. I will spend five glorious days in the Netherlands, five Belgium, nine in Germany, four in The Czech Republic, two (maybe) in Slovakia, three in Hungary, and three in Austria.... but not in that order. I will actually leave from Frankfurt June 3rd at noon. Tricky, huh.

Until I leave I will track important events, and rants, here for all to see here. Once in Europe I will update as much as I can... or want to.

**This has been crossposted at http://autonomousperegrination.blogspot.com, which I am currently changing.**

Be original, shove metal in yer eyeball.

2005-03-07T10:11:00.000-06:00

In my life, I can remember, being hit on three times. For the sake of my ego we will assume it has happened more often then that and I simply do not recall those times. Got it?

Number One: When I was sixteen I was rocking my 1990 Bonniville when I noticed a guy in the car next to me oogling me, and by oogling I mean simply looking in my direction. After a couple simples he gestured for me to roll down my window. Unfortunately, since my dearest boyfriend was in the car behind me, I decided that chatting it up with a strange man at a stop light was not the best idea.

Number Two: Some friends and I, including the dearest boyfriend, were visiting friends at an undisclosed University in North Illinois (eh?? ehh??) when we were lured into a super creepy backyard for the strangest gathering I have ever been to. The people present, totally creepy, the environment very axe murder. being the kind and friendly person I am I made a sincere effort to bridge the weirdness so that we could potentially get out of the situation alive. I chit chatted it up with some guy from the creepy group in order to ensure that we had an ally. Anyway, five minutes later the boy was asking me out, while stating, "Your boyfriends not here now, right? Come on!" Six minutes later I was explaining that, actually, he was and he was not looking please.

Number Three: A toothless man at the gas station outside the courthouse. He stated, "Daym girl, yous iss loofin fine." 'Nuff said, it was hot.

Although being hit on only three times in my life, I have only been the hitter (eww) once. While at a bar and fighting with the dearest boyfriend, I decided that I was going to make him jealous. After seeing a guy who looked similar to my dearest boyfriend (you know, little white guy rocking gangsta wear) I decided I was going to talk to him. I walked my obnoxiously drunk ass up to the bar and ordered a drink... that was blue. I started talking to him, god knows how, but I did. After about one minute he asked me what I was drinking and I ever so articulately stated, "I dunno, issss raspberries, I chink." He then looked at me blankly and said, "Well I assumed, I can smell it on your breath." Ohhh yea, I am a hottie. Also, after about one more minute of conversation I learned that the girl next to him wasn't his sister like my drunk ass assumed, it was in fact his girlfriend. She loooooved me. I am sure to this day they think about it and laugh. Best part? That dearest boyfriend of mine wasn't even in the bar at that time to see me getting my mack on.

The moral of this story? There isn't one really... just a few more reasons why I am the biggest loser, ever.

Back to homework and actual work I go... No more procrastinating.... NO MORE.

On a side note, I am not exactly sure how I feel about this... Does that mean I am old? The only thing going in my eye is a laser when I get Lasik.

Linky-Poo

2005-03-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

In the news.

This isn't that funny because, well, I have almost done it. Hrm, maybe that makes it more funny...

Hobbits? Holy shit, it really creeps me out.

This poor, poor kitty. My cat is such a wuss, she definitally would have been a goner.

Thursday Mornings are The Shit.

2005-03-03T10:14:00.000-06:00

It’s ten a.m. and here I sit with a Coke w/ Lime in one hand and the mouse in the other, dressed in nothing more then warm, soft, comfy pajamas. Thursdays are a godsend in that I do not have class until one p.m. One p.m. class is waaaay better then eight a.m. class.

Today, as I embrace my morning, I sit here and stress about the insane amounts of crap I have to deal with this weekend. You see, my semester has gone by extremely fast, and with this comes mounting work I have yet to begin. A research paper, a outline, a midterm, group projects all loom in my future… stressing me the fuck out.

So here I sit, updating my ipod with old music, drinking my Coke w/ Lime, and diddling with this stupid blog. I would update my flickr page with pictures, only I seem to have lost my digital camera cord. Oh yes my friends, reality will come a crashing this weekend… watch out.

In the meantime, look at this!

This is the website that I tried to post before, but instead all I gave you was a ball ripper article. I hate frat boys.

This is lovely… I have grown quite fond of Danish dance music. (via the dead ‘Best Week Ever Blog’ – RIP.)

This is HYSTERICAL. (via Melly.)

This is the nicest dorm I have ever seen...

This is time consuming, yet very interesting.

Oh wait! I forgot! As I sit here, ya know, doing nothing, there is a HOUSE CLEANER downstairs cleaning! Seriously, I looove me some Thursday mornings. Hmmm, I think I am going to go to Wendys.

Flickr

2005-02-24T11:06:00.000-06:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Bertha

2005-02-23T22:58:00.000-06:00

Over the weekend we lost Bertha. It was inevitable really she was getting old, had bad hips, and tumors... She is most definitaly in a better place now, running around like a puppy rather then laying around in obvious pain.

I remember when I first met Bertha. Mick was walking her around the neighborhood because, apparently, when you are grounded for smoking pot, walking your dog for 4 hours is a-okay! That was almost nine years ago.

I will admit it I didn't always love her, she annoyed me quite a bit through the years. You see, she was very jealous and would not allow Mick and I to sit or lay near each other for a long time. She was his baby, and she listened to his every command. I still hear the grunting noise she would make right befor head butting me away from her man... It was actually kind of gross.

I am shocked with how upset losing her has made me. She was never my favorite dog, but she definitally was a good one with a quirky personality. Throughout the past nine years of my relationship with Mick, Bertha has been around. As demented as it sounds, it is like part of "us" is missing. You see, my dearest Mick was ALWAYS grounded. This of course meant that Bertha would be hanging out with us as we grew up.

Times are changing. Houses where parents and sibiling live or lived are no longer "home." Peices of my youth are deterating at rapid speeds. It's scary. Bertha's death is simply a kick in the ass, a wake up that I am an adult.

Time moves on. I will miss Bertha, but I have memories... memories of her and the early years of Mick and I.

You will be missed Big Bertha, even if you did totally hump my leg when you were in heat and get blood on my brand new fucking K-Swiss!

2005-02-11T18:47:00.000-06:00

Traffic was moving quickly on my way home today so I decided I would brave the rich people in Oak Brook and head to REI and Whole Foods to waste money. I got tons of good stuff including a fabulous clearance The North Face fleece and Whole Foods Pico de Gio, but that if beside the point. After burning up the Discover card I headed for home. When I reached my house, like always, I began to get my shit together so I could go in the house. Five minutes later I stumbled through the front door talking on my cell phone, balancing my Starbucks coffee in the bend of my elbow, and carrying my Coach tote bag and bags from REI and Whole Foods. Oh course, I had to drop something and, oh course, it had to be my coffee. As I looked down at my coffee soaked bags and realized what had just happened, all I could think was “Who the fuck am I!?”

Seriously, cell phones, REI, Starbucks, Whole Foods, and Coach… I am the biggest asshole on earth.

I often have issues defining who I am. After thinking about it for a while I think I have determined that I am on the fence. A fence separating mainstream name-brand Sex in the City-esque coolness from Phish loving, tree hugging, socialist hippiness. One side of me yearns to be a dreadlocked, hippy-dancing vegan complete with a lifetime supply of patchouli, while the other really really wants to rock Jimmy Choos and a Prada handbag while eating at a $100 per person restaurant.

I want to end oppression and live in a society a true equal opportunity.
But, I want nice things like Kate Spade, Coach, and Chanel every now and then.
I want an end to sexism, classism, and racism.
But, I want to eat at every 5 star restaurant in Chicago.
I want to end world hunger and unemployment.
But, I want a BMW.

Seriously, someone must PAY!

2005-02-09T13:32:00.000-06:00

I am at my internship, and I went to the kitchen to get my trendy, plastic, art-deco cup out of the dish rack – AND SOMEONE STOLE IT.

At a social service agency, someone stole my cute, trendy, frequently used cup. Sure I only paid fiddy cents for it on a clearance rack, but I want it back! I think I am going to make a "Missing" flier and put it up at work…. Yea…. That’s it…. Fliers…. Ohhhhh yeaaa.

On a side note, when you eat and an entire box of Berry Berry Kix, prepare for a mean stomachache and nausea at the very thought of eating more. What’s that you say, it is impossible to eat an entire box of cereal? Yea, your probably right, but I totally ate about half… I swear!

Chicago Mini-Vacation – A Photo Essay.

2005-02-06T21:05:00.000-06:00

This weekend I made an executive decision to try out Priceline.com for myself. I went to the website, and typed in the most absurd price ever for a four-star Chicago hotel, and – tada! – a hotel accepted my offer. Saturday, we arrive at the hotel, self-parked the car underground for $25.25, and walked our cheap asses up to the hotel room. Upon entering the room, we instantly noticed an oddly placed door, opened up loud and proud.

Seriously, do you see that? I immediately did what anyone would do, I meekly knocked on the door and stuttered, “Hel--lllo!?” Who does this kind of stuff happen do? Who goes to a hotel and has a magical room attached with two bars, two TV seating areas, two bathrooms, two doors, and a conference table? WHO!?

Anyway, I was VERY leery of this magical room, because as I already asked, WHO does this happen to? I choose to remain in the hotel room for fear of someone popping on in the magical room on me… Also, I think the Reception clerk was out to get me and was setting me up to overcharge me. (He was definitely not a priceline fan.) After taking some pictures of myself being a big fat loser in the room, I choose to shut the door to the magical room and remove it from my memory.

Our room, minus the freaky magical room, was pretty nice. The bed was AMAZING. So soft and mushy, yet firm and supportive! It was complete with a DOWN COMFORTER, which I so classily choose to use as a down bed, and slept ON it rather then UNDER it. Also I view wasn’t too shabby, sure not the best, but pretty nice none the less.

After looking at the clock, and realizing we only had a couple hours left of day light, we decided to at least walk up and down Michigan Avenue once and take a gander at the new Navy Pier.

Later that night, after venturing back to the hotel and, again, investigating the magical room, we got ready to go out for dinner. Let me start this by explaining that we brought dress clothes, and budgeted a good amount for a fancy smancy dinner. I had full intentions of acting like a classy adult drinking wine and actually splurging for an appetizer. Later that night we ended up at a fucking brewery eating an appetizer and drinking freshly brewed beer. (It was nasty-thick.) After leaving the brewery and beginning the half a mile walk back to hotel (SOMEONE was too cheap for a cab!) We passed a Jimmy John’s. At that moment we decided that later in the evening we would most definitely get hungry and be tempted to pay $21.00 for a room service pizza, and that it was only logically to get sandwiches for later. So we did. We got Jimmy John’s. Again, classy, I know.

So, after eating gigantic egg rolls, drinking thick-ass-freshly-brewed-beer, and buying Jimmy John’s for later, we headed back to the hotel room. Of course, upon entering the hotel room once again, we listened with a cup against the wall of the magical room. We heard nothing so decided that we should again investigate it. Like before I got weirder out and we closed and locked the door to the magical room. I shit you not – less then 10 minutes later – we heard “OH MY GOD! TWO TVS! TWO BARS! WHOOAA!” from the magical room. Needless to say that slammed and locked the door on their end thus concluding our entrance to the magical room forever.

After we stopped laughing, and discussing how terribly that could have just went, we sat back to watch Paris Hilton act a fool on SNL. Apparently, the people who entered the magical room decided they were going to rock out to some B96. Really loudly. I mean, so loudly the fucking wall was shaking. Not to be a grandma or anything, but I totally called security. It worked, they cut that shit out. Then we went to sleep. Like old people do.

So here I sit, back at home on my computer procrastinating. Sure, I should be doing homework or planning my trip, but no. No, I definitely choose to sit here watching Room Raiders. Oh, and my cat just jumped on my lap to give me some love – AND EXPRESSED HER ANAL GLAND ON MY ARM.

so. fucking. gross.

2005-01-24T15:13:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while, huh? My apologies to my three loyal readers!

Remember this? What was I thinking?

I am currently getting over the flu. I spent my entire weekend in bed whining and moaning about my sore throat, body aches, and fever. Sunday, I had the pleasure of lying about all day long with a sick sidekick, though. My dearest, darling, boyfriend managed to contract the hell-flu from me. So for hours and hours and hours on Sunday, I watched crappy TV, and cried about how terrible I felt.

Needless to say waking up for work today was quite a task. Luckily I am almost over it, I still feel like a shit, and have a small fever – but for the most past am over the hump. My loving, sweetheart, honey-pie boyfriend on the other hand was forced to wake up to his very first day of work (goodbye college, hello life!) with a 102.6 fever, and a sweating problem. Seriously the kid had mean sweat beads dripping down his face. He managed to sweat through his undershirt and dress shirt while simply brushing his teeth. Last I heard, he was still at work training, I thought for sure they would have sent him home.

Anyway, him and I have HUGE plans for this evening… it’s a race who case pass-out into a NyQuil coma first.

This isn't going to be like a diet, I swear.

2005-01-10T11:02:00.000-06:00

Like going on a diet, I am hesitant to share my current plan with the world. But, we all know I have a gigantic mouth and can’t keep the inner workings of my brain in my head. I am currently in the process of working out a month long trip to Western Europe in May. I graduate May 6th, and feel like I need to take advantage of this by living a life dream – before I get old and moldy and settle into a "real life" rut with family and work and such. Graduation provides with a perfect little hiccup in life, where I will have a month to do nothing more then travel, and exist. I am still in the very early stages of planning, but as we speak I am looking visiting seven countries in four weeks, (London, Paris, Barcelona, Marseilles, Nice, Florence, Rome, Venice, Munich, Prague, Berlin, Amsterdam, and Brussels, back to London.) The budget will be super tight, and I will be alone, which will make for the time of my life. I hope. Until tickets are bought and the trip is set I stone, I will not disclose any logistics, because it is likely they will be changing greatly by the time I actually am close to leaving.

If ya know anyone in Western Europe with a couch, email me!

As mentioned, this is in the initial stages. Positive thoughts, people. Positive thoughts.

Snowblow this!

2005-01-07T09:15:00.000-06:00

My back, abes, shoulders, and arms are on fire. A burning inferno. Fiery pain, coming at cha. Why? Three reasons, really. I am fat, I hate exercise, and the fucking snow blower, or "thrower" if you are from Minnesota, broke. Each roaring effort of the sputtering motor was like a hideous laugh. The snowblower was laughing at me. "Muahaha! You must shovel, fatty! Shovel! Shovel! Shovel! Muuaahahahahaha!"

I spend an hour and a half power shoveling the ten-inch high of snow (I swear to god, drifts were like size of me though. Seriously.), off the driveway, and the grass. Yes, grass. You see, I have a dog that is a whimp. Sure she is ten, but she is definitely also a whimp, and needs some snowless grass to walk around on and take her piss.

Snowless grass and dog piss aside, I am in pain. You know how those power walking crazy soccer moms say insanely creepy things like, "I enjoy the burn. I like to feel my workout?" Well, I do not enjoy the burn. I enjoy no pain. Ohh, the snowblower best start working before the next storm, or I am totally going to go batshit crazy on it.

Year end update.

2005-01-02T14:24:00.000-06:00

(WAIT! This will be fun, I promise! I am totally stealing this idea from an array of people who are far cooler then I am. So, just read.)

January:
-I frantically realize that my grad school application was not processed before the January 1st deadline, even though I have tracking information that proves it was received before this date.
-I enter my final semester of undergrad, at SIU.
-I begin my first Internship.
-Mick and I take an overnight vacation to the wonderfully boring Sikeston MO. Although we did have the pleasure of eating throwed rolls, and they were gooood.

February:
-My first experience in the field with a Child Welfare Investigator. Check that off my list of possible future jobs.
-My Birthday, woo!
-My parents visit my apartment and Southern Illinois for the first, and last time.
-I make appointment for counseling services, and never show up or pursue them any further.

March:
-From post-it-notes in my calendar book, I think early March is when I realized I was in financial trouble form being unable to work due to my Internship. Why? Because I see many frantic notes about messages left to Financial Aid, and have my credit card payment dates highlighted with sad faces.
-I began home visits to DCFS foster parents alone.
-Received rejection letter from Jane Addams regarding grad school.
-Begin sending out resumes like a psychotic beast.

April:
-Complete undergraduate professional and academic portfolio.
-Last day of Internship completed with Pot Luck Lunch and cash for interview clothing. Awww.
-Last day of class, I realize I like my classmates way more then I ever thought and become aware I will miss some of them a whole bunch.
-Regret not walking for commencement for about a half hour.
-Have my first phone interview that last one and a half hours.

May:
-Continue interviewing with various organizations.
-Continue bum rushing offices with my resume.
-Leave my job at the SIATC with a bag full of cool crap and a great friendship.
-Accepted position with an organization in Joliet Illinois.
-Began my first real life professional job on May 25, 2004.

June:
-Continue training at my job.
-Mick and I celebrate our eighth anniversary.
-Make my first trip back to Southern Illinois since I moved.
-I begin my blog, J. to the Nel. (Considering name change...)

July:
-Continue training at my job.
-Took a weekend trip to Michigan.
-Took a weekend trip to Wisconsin.

August:
-Finally get the hang on my first real world job.
-Receive call from Jane Addams six days prior to classes beginning, offering me acceptance to the graduate program. (assholes)
-Make a very complex decision and decide to accept, therefore quitting my job and going back to school.

September:
-Begin my grad school Internship.
-Very boring, yet stressful month.

October:
-Spur of the moment trip to Southern Illinois.
-Planned trip to Southern Illinois.

November:
-Found an internet friend.
-Taught children at an after school program, checked another job option off my list.
-Got a little camera happy with my new camera.

December:
-Still reasonably sane after completing first semester of grad school, half way home, baby!
-Officially moved Mick and all of our possessions home from Southern Illinois.
-Spent an entire week binge drinking.
-Last Christmas break with friends as a student.
-Overall, best month EVAH.

Tsunami.

2004-12-29T19:54:00.000-06:00

Tsunami. (In case your cave does not have internet, newspapers, or television.)

Generally, I pride myself on being knowledgeable about current events, be recently find myself avoiding news websites and stations. I simply can not ignore it anymore. I am unable to avoid hearing, seeing, or feeling emotion about the Tsunami in Southeast Asia. It is unthinkable. It is insane. It is terribly depressing. My mind does not have the ability to understand this devastation.

I donated today, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Sure I was unable to give much, but I felt I had to give something. If you are able, I suggest you do also. I used this website, http://www.networkforgood.org/. There are plenty out there, simply open yahoo.com to see many more options for donating. Again, I just have very little to say, and wish the best to all suffering from this tragedy. Any amount helps I’m sure.

Call Me, Portia!

2004-12-15T15:04:00.000-06:00

I just read the following on this site...

"The real reason Ellen DeGeneres ditched her companion of four years Alexandra Hedison, the N.Y. Post says, is that Ellen is now living with 'Arrested Development' star Portia de Rossi, the Australian-born tall blond you first saw on "Ally McBeal," playing, uhh, the tall blond. Portia, too, recently dumped a partner, singer-songwriter Francesca Gregorini, who is Ringo Starr's stepdaughter."
Oh. My. God. Portia de Rossi is a big fat lesbo? Who knew! I have a serious girl crush on her, and it suddenly got bigger.... Call me Portia.

Random (take II): Peek-a-Boo, Holiday Cards, and Parties.

2004-12-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

Peek-a-Boo!
I made the pilgrimage to Chicago's South Side yesterday to the Irish store. The Mt. Greenwood area of Chicago is very interesting in that it is primarily white Irish city workers. This fact does little to support my story, but rather is an interesting tid bit... tough shit. Anyway, so I am at the South Side Irish stores looking at sweatshirts when I hear a little old lady with a thick Gaelic (?) accent yell from behind the counter, "Well shit, this isn't the fucking song I wanted to hear." So cute, in a sick kinda way. So all of about 5 minutes later, as I am checking out I look down to see a cute little red headed girl climb on her hands and knees peek under a table clothe, and swiftly scampered under the table. I laughed to myself because I can totally remember doing that when I was little. Now even 20 seconds later her father began running around the store whispering, "Kayla! Kayla! Where are you, come here NOW!" His anger quickly turned into panicked fear so I said, "She crawled under that table, right th--" I was unable to finish my sentence before the cute foul mouthed old hag (no longer cute) yelled, "Don't let her fucking under there, it will fall down!" "Umm, not my kid... Not My problem, sorry!!" I said. By that time the fathers fear had turned back into anger as he plucked her out from under the table and whisked her out of the store. Seriously, damn Irish. That lady didn't even apologize, she just rang me out in silence. Probably thinking about her Bailey coffee in the back room.

Anyway, the whole situation was kind of cute to me because I can very clearly remember hiding from my mother on many occasions. I would climb in racks at Khols, stand on the toilet in a bathroom stall, even almost suffocate myself by squirming behind waiting room chairs. My all time favorite was when I am 8 years old at the dentist. My mom left me alone in the waiting room while she went to get her teeth cleaned. While waiting, I made the brilliant decision to lay down on the floor behind the chairs, because - well - hiding is funny, people. So there I was laying sideways with my back pressed against the wall, and my front smushed up against the chairs. I can remember analyzing the gum under the chair while I heard my mom frantically looking for me. I can still hear he say to the receptionist, "I asked you to watch her! Oh my god!" After about five minutes I got bored, I mean I had already determined the gum under the chair was Big Red, so I decided to reveal why whereabouts. "HERE I AM MOM! AHAHAHAHAH!" I screamed after jumping out of my fantastic hiding spot. I really and truly in my demented little 8 year old mind thought that it was the best joke ever. She still slips into panic attacks when I talk about it.

I have Holiday Card Issues.
Maybe this is just a key illustration as to how insecure I can be, but I have a seriously difficult time writing and sending holiday cards. First, I buy the cards. Second, I get real excited because they are no doubt the coolest cards ever. Third, I make a list of who to send them to. Fourth, I write one to everyone on my list. Fifth, I throw away half and re-write them because I don't feel like I wrote anything worth while, or that I will be laughed at for sending them. Finally, I simply mail two the twelve written and call it a day.

Honestly, I just never feel like I write stuff worth sending, or reading. I always feel like the crap I did write people will be like, "Wait, who was this again? Ohhh, why did she send us a card!? Couldn't she write anything better?" Seriously, it is insane, I know, but this is how I do it. Every year.

Work Holiday Parties are for the Devil.
This past weekend I had TWO Holiday parties. One, for my internship, during working hours (a alcohol free event), and another for my real job Saturday evening at a fancy smanchy hotel banquet place (alcohol WAS free, woo!).

At my alcohol free lunch party, I made the genius decision to walk down 13 flights of stairs. The elevator was really slow, and there were soooo many people waiting, I figured why not. I had a wonderful rhythm all the way down until.... On my very last flight of stairs, my ankle choose to give out three stairs before the ground level. THREE STAIRS! I tumbled. No one saw me, but believe me they heard me. I broke my glasses, pulled a muscle in my thigh, and screwed up my ankle. I should have just waited for the damn elevator.

The second holiday party was very fancy, with hor'derves and everything. I walked around talkinglike an 8th grader drinking my vokda and orange juice talking and giggling. I actually Cha Cha Slid my ass off by the end of the night. I was told I was Charlie Browning like a fool. Whatever, I got the moves, bitch!

ER, Widom, and Waterworks.

2004-12-09T22:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, time for a whole lotta random. Ready? 1, 2, 3, GO!

ER
At this very moment I am watching ER, and am enamored by Mekhi Phifer’s beauty. Seriously, the man is a work of art. He makes me all tingly inside, especially when he is taking care of Chin. I feel my eyes tearing up as I type this. Call me, Mekhi, I'll make it worth your while.

Also, I feel it appropriate that I comment on the Hospital Social Worker they have recently added to the show. I give the show credit for assisting the public in expanding its view of what Social Workers actually do… We don’t all work for the state and take away people’s kids. Actually MANY do not even work with kids. Secondly, ER deserves credit for making the Social Worker hot. I mean in reality, Social Workers generally are not that hot, neither are doctors for that matter. My issues with ER’s Social Worker character is that whenever she is “working” she basically look at people, listens, tilts her headlike a dog, and is super annoying. For example, a mother and her two children fled the abusive father and are living in the mother’s car. The mother states, “The shelter is unsafe for my children,” to which the Social Worker replies, “I know a place. A place for woman, like you, who are fleeing abusive relationships…” or some crap. “Thank you,” the woman replied, as I chewed back some vomit that was trying to makes it way out. GAG. Whatever. Rock on hot Social Worker, rock on.

Wisdom Teeth
What can you say about them? They suck. I have to have them yanked and am in the process of dealing with shitty insurance and an expensive oral surgeon. My date, December 21 at 1:30… That is unless I can find a cheaper surgeon.

Water Works
Seriously, my eyeballs are having issues lately. I keep asking them, “Hey eyeballs, whats up with the fucking waterworks?” They don’t reply, because, well, they are eyeballs you big weirdos. I was in Barnes and Noble this afternoon, and came across this book. Upon flipping through and looking at the pictures, I totally got all teary. Eww! How embarrassing is that? The pictures were just so moving… They all appeared so happy... I just couldn’t take it. This is very unlike me. Please help.

Oh, and I reaaaaaallly need this (via MJ). (94% in 127 seconds! Beat that!)

Counselor Humor

2004-12-03T16:14:00.000-06:00

Today, we had a training on the integration of religion and spirituality into counseling theory. After the training, two big-dog directors and myself were discussing the success of the training. During this discussion one of the big-dogs began discussion Freud, and how one of the presenters had a very different take on Freud religious views. After explaining various aspects of Freud's Jewish faith, the big-dog quickly shot her head up and yelped, "What time is it!?" The other big dog and myself said, "1:30." The first big-dog after hearing this, let out a great big "Oh, Shit!" and then apologized all embarrassed like. I laughed, because, well, it was funny and said, "How Freudian!" On that note, we all had a nice hearty laugh and parted ways. Seriously, I am fuuuuunny. Counselor, humor that's where its at.

Meat Eaters.

2004-11-29T10:21:00.000-06:00

Disease, preservatives, body fluids, torture, antibiotics, fat, veins, "nerve endings," death, corruption...

There are sooo many reasons NOT to eat meat, and generally I do not. However, I would never call myself a vegetarian, I am not that disciplined. I generally just say, "I don't really like to eat meat." Honestly, I am not a crazy Peta person (please don't run away screaming!) and I am not all about unraveling the financial corruption in the meat industry. I am however really grossed out by some flesh.... and bones... and nerve endings. I tend to lean away from eating meat, even if it is "free-range," because the concept of gobbling up some fleshy bits sickens me..... usually. Over the past two weeks I think I have consumed more meat then I have in the past 5 years. You see, I go in cycles... No meat - Gross! Chicken is okay - right? No meat - Gross! Chicken and Turkey are a-okay! Hamburger? Okay! No meat - Gross! ...and repeat. Over and over again for 5-6 years. Here I sit with a mean stomach ache, because I yesterday I ate like 300 mini Swedish meatballs. Why? Who knows. But seriously, they were really good. What's for lunch, probably not meat. I am feeling some Falafel, whose with me?

J.Nel Pics.

2004-11-28T15:50:00.000-06:00

I have a new photo site.

Check out Photos From J.Nel. Also, there is a link on the sidebar.

It's a work in progress.

Give Thanks, Beeches!

2004-11-25T09:16:00.000-06:00

In all seriousness, I really enjoy the concept of Thanksgiving and this Year I am really making the effort to assess what I have to be thankful for. So what does that mean? Brace yourself - I'm bringing the cheese to Thanksgiving, baby!

1. Even after the last election, I am still thankful to have been born in this country. I am thankful to be an American. Sure, Canada sounds kinda sweet, but really America is pretty damn good. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to be raised with opportunity, and not be in a third world country. Sure, we have our problems and I have serious issues with a lot of "American" concepts and realities, but in the end I am thankful to be American.

2. I am very thankful to have been raised in a home with two loving parents. By no means were they perfect, they made many mistakes and continue to do so pretty often, but I still love them and am very thankful that I have them. I am thankful for all they have done, and continue to do, and that they did a good job understanding what it is to parent a child. I am thankful to have them.

3. My sister and I don’t get along well, and from what I hear it is generally due to my actions, but ultimately I am thankful to have her as a sister. Many of her words and actions annoy the shit out of me, but in reality she isn't nearly as bad as I make her out to be. I do love her, and am very thankful that she is in my live.

4. I have friends, wooohooo! Sure I only have four good ones, three if you leave the boyfriend out of it, but I sure do like those four. I am very thankful to have four close friends that I do enjoy. Sure they can annoy the crap out of me, and I often wish I had more, but I am totally thankful for those four. The five of us make feed off each other pretty well, making it mucho difficult for others to penetrate the group, but I kinda like it that way. They are my urban family, I love them and am thankful for them.

5. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to get an education, and do well in school. I was raised in Catholic schools, not Chicago Public schools and really feel like that helped me out a great deal developmentally. I am thankful to have a degree, and to be getting another one pretty soon. I am also very thankful to have a decent intelligence level!

6. I don't have Cancer! At least I don't think I have Cancer... and that is great. I am pretty healthy, sure I need to lose weight and have some issues with this, but overall I am feeling pretty good and am not missing any limbs. Seriously, I am soooo thankful to not have any physical, educational, mental, or emotional problems. I am very thankful to be as healthy as I am.

7. My car, is kind of acting crazy... But I am sooo thankful I have her! I love her! I am very thankful to have gotten her, and am still very thankful to have her today. Sure she is small, uncomfortable, and needs some work at the moment, but I like her and am thankful for her.

8. Mexican, Middle Eastern, Japanese, Italian, and Chinese food, thank you. I am dead serious, I have no doubt I would be skinnier without them, but I still love them and am very thankful.

9. I talk about my pets way too much, I know, but I totally love them. Two of the three are elderly, and may not be with us next year so it is very important that I explain how thankful I am for them now, before they pass on. I love them and am very thankful to have been able to spend the past years with them.

10. Finally, I am thankful for student loans. With out financial assistance my education would not be possible, and I would not have this computer I am on right now. I am so thankful to have gotten them, I don't even think I will mind having to pay them back... I will view them as little reminders that I am smart.... right? I don't know, call me in two years.

Anywho, there you go. The cheese has been served, and I am very Thankful for most everything in my life right now..... As for the world, well, I would rather keep this post happy..... so.... eat it up!

Happy Turkey Day. Everyone eat you up some bird, or tofurkey, whatevah.

Read it!

2004-11-24T10:03:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned I really like this little, easy to read paper? Well I do.

Why can't white guys wear purple? Because they look like dorks, as this politically incorrect Website explains -Now you KNOW this is an article you HAVE to read! That is the best title ever.

Anyway, this is the website that article is referring to, I likely.

I am going to drink tonight. Woo!

2004-11-24T09:12:00.000-06:00

Monday afternoon, I received a call from one of my agency’s after-school programs asking if I would be able to fill in for an instructor that was sick. "SURE!" I said, waaaay to excited to get out of the office. When I got there I told the Program Director’s assistant, that I have NEVER worked with kids and quite frankly they freak me out. She looked at me dead serious and said, "You have the 1st and 2nd graders, they are really easy. Just smile, give them a pat on the back, and help them with their homework." "Ohhh, okay… sounds okay. Wait… where do I go?"

I sat down on the cold metal bench in the musty smelling lunch room and waited for the ten 6-8 year olds I would spend the next three hours with to come in. I expected them to trickle in with smiles, say "Hello!" and take a seat. Oh my god, before I was able to get that thought out of my head two groups of five psychotically hyper little people bumrushed me. "Your our teacher?", "Ewe, who are you!?", "Can we read this book? Huh? Huh?", "I have to peeeeeeee!", "Where is my snack! Lady, where are the snacks!?", screamed some of the extra crazy kids. At that moment, I knew I was in for the most painful three hours of my life.

After snacks, we went to the classroom, at which time one 6 year old boy chose to tell me that, he is ‘the best student in the class, but he HATES substitute teachers." Thanks, little man – TAKE A SEAT! I totally thought this would be easy, I mean one hour of homework help and one hour of reading time! Come on, piece of cake! In that time I managed to say "shit," to which the kids replied, "oooooooooohhh!!!!", and that Clifford is big "because he is a freak," to which they replied, "Ooohhh FREAK!" and proceeded to completely creep me out by making sex faces and pelvic thrusting… Oh yea, you heard me – they were fucking pelvic thrusting. I was shocked that these kids equated "freak" with "sex." I am not so sure they realized what they were doing and were able to associate it with "sex," but I do know it really freaked me out.

It was interesting, though. You learn TONS from kids… for example while reading a book about college, I learned the following things from the kids.

When asked if he wants to go to college, one boy explained "Uncles are mean, they ignore you." (ooookay)

When asked what she wants to be when she grows up, a cute curly hair little brat said, "Why do you look weird?" (Umm because I am in hell, and you kids are pissing me off?)

After being told to sit with his butt on the floor, and his eyes on me another boy explained to me that he has "a sister who is high school." (Ummm, cool?)

The tiniest girl in the class felt the need to raise her and in the middle of the story while yelling "meee! Mee!!! Oh pick me!!!" I looked at her and simply said, "But, I didn’t ask a question." She looked at me very hurt and said, "I just wanted to tell you that today, in my class, my friend and I, we talked, at school ya know, and we talked about the sky. It’s blue! Ohhh and I like water!" (Whoa. Kill me)

It was just shocking the levels of ADHD that lived in that little classroom. About a half-hour till dismissal time, I gave up. Seriously, I just gave up. I literally do not think that I could say, "No hitting!", "Shhhhhh", "No yelling!", or "Sit down!" one more time without freaking out and throwing a kid across the room…. So I sat down, and let them run around like little psychos. I looked at the teacher’s desk and imagined a petite, brunette woman teaching these little crazies how to read. How does she do it, I wondered. How!? HOW!? I seriously don’t understand how elementary school teachers do it. I thought back to first grade, and realized how enlightened this day has made me. I now, after all these years understand why Sister Nora was such a bitch. Looking back I assumed it was because she was a big lesbian with wanted some vagina, but now I realized that she simply sat in a room with first graders all day – and that’s more then enough of a reason to be bitchy.

Ahhh, I get to, again teach kids in the after school program this evening... at least today it is 7th and 8th graders. I really think I will have much better luck with the pubescent brats.

On a side note…

Snow. Wait…. SNOW!?

And…

I hear U2 is putting on a impromptu concert at the White Sox ballpark (I refuse to call it the US Cellular Field, OR "the Cell.") as we speak. U2 annoys me. You totally know why Bono is doing this right? Well, my guess is because knows he needs to promote it album like a beast because, well, it simply isn’t very good. The Edge, (hee!) makes me laugh.

Have You Ever….

2004-11-19T13:17:00.000-06:00

In honor this post, by Yvonne, I bring you - Have You Ever.

Have you ever been at distant relative’s wedding in Iowa with family when you were a bratty 15 year old, and painfully told a story to your conservative family from New Jersey (I know, they have conservatives?) about a dildo, while laughing uncontrollably about the gas station down the street being called the "Kum and Go" and having everyone at the table look at you with appalled, shocked looks on their faces not even cracking a smile?

Have you ever learned of a older family friends newly diagnosed Diabetes, and continue to comfort them by saying something allong the lines of, "My Grandpa had that. He died. OH, but he lived with it for a while, I mean… Ummm HEHEHE?"

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom really really bad, not number one- but number two, and had no where to go, so started to power walk to your home that was a mile away and accidentally lost control of your butt muscles? (yea, I said it. laugh it up)

Have you ever made the biggest deal about tracking down a fellow student in high school, who sat NEXT to you in a class, giving him a note with your pager number telling him to page you because you think he is really cute, only to never receive a page from him and have to switch classes to avoid him for life?

Have you ever had a sexual dream about a boyfriend’s gross uncle and in a moment of pure disgust tell your boyfriend and have him, and all of your friends, make fun of you for life about it? Oh, and then one Christmas Eve accidentally turn you cheek during a goodbye hug/cheek kiss combo, with that same uncle, and have him lay a big one right on you mouth?

Oh man, I can’t go on. Have fun with THOSE poorly placed commas.

Too Scary for a Title.

2004-11-15T11:52:00.000-06:00

The Juice (he picked his own nickname…. biggest dork ever, I know.) and I were shopping at our beloved Wal-Mart one evening when I was visiting in Carbondale. Upon walking through the electronics department, he turned to me and said, "I can’t wait to start real life and get a job where I make decent money. I can’t wait to buy toys! Toys!" Without even considering how to react, I turned around and shot him the finger. No, not the middle finger, but the ring finger… on my left hand. I even pointed to it for effect. As soon as I realized what I had done my jaw dropped and I switched fingers to the appropriate middle finger and tried to play it off as a joke. He just laughed at me, and said, "One day, shut up weirdo. We are in Wal-Mart!"

Seriously, where the hell did that come from? Marriage? This came only days after I told him we MUST get married if his future job has good health insurance. Marriage talk, twice in a matter of a week? I need a tranquilizer. Eight and a half years, you would think I would be ready to run away screaming. What can I say I am a glutton for pain. (and food… hmmmm cheesecake.)

P.S. NO wedding planning emails! I will delete them IMMEDITALY. P. – I’m looking at you.

Pathetic, and Random.

2004-11-12T10:44:00.000-06:00

It's Friday! Annnnnd how! TGIF moddafodda! My weekend plans, NADA! Woopty-woop.

Update on my procrastination... Okay, paper is handed in... there is a really long, ridiculous story to go with the actual submission of the paper, but I will spare you. Lets just say, I proved yet again that I am an idiot - But its okay! Its okay because it is handed in, and my next one isn't due until the 23rd... What is that you say, start it now? Yea. Right.

This, my friends, is creepy. The sad part is, my mother is really considering it for when Murphy and Mini pass on... eghh.

I just realized that my last entry, as my 100th.... I am sooooo cool.

You know what I hate? I hate when people talk your head off, so much to the point where you STOP listening, and then say something like, "Okay, let me go. I have to get back to work." Ummmm, hello!? Let ME go. I also hate when they saying, "Oh, you look like your busy.... well last night when...." Why? Why must you make note of how busy I am, yet continue talking to me?

Coffee. I drink it black... and lately I have been drinking a lot of it. I feel all... all.. all crazy. I busted into Just J.Nel this morning.... it has to be the coffee.

Ohh Ohh! One more thing I hate -- I hate when people who are a little chubby, or not fat at all for that matter, say stuff like, "Oh my god, I am soooo fat. That is why I am not eating carbs." I especially hate it when they say this while I am eating a super sized bagel with extra cream cheese. Don't hate - It's yummy, and you know you want it. Fucking carb police, always looking to ruin a great bagel.

The coffee, is making me want to Vogue. (Yea, like Madonna... Vogue.) I am controlling myself though... I worry it will just fly out off me while at lunch with co-wokers this afternoon. No more coffee... must drink decaf. DECAF!

It's allllll my fault.

2004-11-10T10:15:00.000-06:00

As I sit here looking blank faced at this crappy 1989 IBM, I wonder how the hell I get myself into the situation I am in. Then I remember. It’s simple really - I am an idiot. My face may be blank, but my mind is racing incoherently. Why? Well, because I am the BIGGEST procrastinator ever. I have had three weeks of TV watching, and Internet searching… good times FREE of schoolwork. Now here I am, freaking the fuck out because I am only on page 3 of my 20-page paper due tomorrow at 9:00 AM. Why didn’t I work on this Monday or Tuesday night you ask? Let me state again, I am an idiot. I spent all day Monday and all day Tuesday working on a 15-page paper that was due yesterday. I know, shut up.

So yes, I am an idiot. I can only blame myself…

Hey, look at me! I am writing this instead of writing my paper! Woo-Hoo! kill me.

Shoot Me In The Head. Thanks.

2004-11-08T20:41:00.000-06:00

I was playing with letters (Found via him)... you know, just looking for the damn "J" someone stole - when it caught my eye. "Viva La Na i." Uh oh I thought, and quickly ruined it. From that moment on, I being the overachiever I am, designated myself as the White Power Asshead's evil Letters enemy. From that moment on I saw "Nigg" and quickly ruined it. Then "Ch k" and quickly dismanteled it.... There were to many of those Assheads... Soon, I had an army against me. "Nigg" and "Sp c" and "Whi Po er" all began to form around me... I paniced as the asshead's banded together looking for the remaining letters needed to spew hate... It was too much for me. I had to quit. The army of White Power assheads was too srtong for little old me. I saved my dignity, however, by closing out the window before a word was formed... I just wish they quit before me - it kills me that they got their screenshot.

Here is my question of the hour, "why." My second question of the hour is, "What the fuck are multipal White Power Assheads doing on letters at the same time?" Did they call a meeting? It is White Power night? They must have coodinated. Assheads. sigh.
(too depressed for spell check. shove it.)

Mini the Wonder Dog.

2004-11-08T19:33:00.000-06:00

My couch dog.

Radiant.

2004-11-07T16:42:00.000-06:00

Image submission for this week's challenge: 'Radiant'.

Pets Make Great Models.

2004-11-07T14:41:00.000-06:00

I returned this a while back, and just yesterday bought this. Now I dream of this, and this.

Thank God for living at home and maxed out student loans.

"Just J.Nel" (insert jazz hands here)

2004-11-05T13:28:00.000-06:00

This morning has been very odd.

Despite the fact that my alarm clock was properly set, it did not go off this morning. I wonder how I managed to wake up on time without the aid of "La Lay" blasting in my ears. Oh wait, I think that it may have had something to do with the fact that my 125lb dog was laying ON MY HEAD.

I realized a street I drive down almost every morning is a one-way, going the opposite way, of course. I am interested to know, how I managed to not realize this sooner… I really could have killed someone. It never even occurred to me that the street was abnormally narrow, either.

I snuggle into my office around 8:15 this morning, to hear the agency’s Executive Director, a dorky Jewish man, humming Outkast’s I Like The Way You Move very loudly… It was apparent it was stuck in his head, since he simply kept repeating the first part, you know "dum dum dum dummmm."

In other news, I feel it is important to share a bit of unsettling news with you all.

Somehow, in the afternoon, I turn into a one-man show. Confused? Think "Just Jack" from Will and Grace. For some odd reason, I have spent this week a depressed, crabby a-hole in the AM, and a fast-talking wanna-be stand-up comedian in the afternoon. I get very jittery, and make lots of dumb jokes while laughing wildly at myself. I go through a couple hours of J.Nel stand-up chaos, only to leave the office for the evening and feel completely embarrassed. Hrmm, I think I need to lay off the Mocha Lattes. (How many hyphens are in that paragraph? Wooo-weee!) I think every new intern thinks I am on drugs.

Finally, the last election post for… um….maybe, four years?

When I posted the last post, I was shockingly calm. I was rational, and okay with the fact that America is Scary. I made myself a "Shut up, Ohio," T-shirt, and turned up the speaker blaring Air America radio. As the day went on, my rage grew. I went to bed on the verge of a panic attack. "AMERICA HAS SPOKEN," rang in my ears. I kept thinking, what a dickhead, only about HALF of America has spoken. Ahhh, only the Daily Show was able to calm me.

Is it wrong that I am angry that the moral/social conservatives are focusing too much on butt sex. unborn baby killings, and people wanting to "marry their dogs?" It is wrong that I feel like supporting our troops in this ridiculous war, by ensuring they have the proper equipment? Is it wrong that I feel fiscally, something must be done ASAP in this country, without the elimination of social service programs? It’s a scary time my friends, if I weren’t agnostic, I would be praying up a storm right now.

That will do, America, that will do...

2004-11-03T14:56:00.000-06:00

Hey, the country spoke... and apparently bush is the man. The next four years are sure to be very interesting. It would very idealistic of me to assume he will fix the messes of the past four years, in the coming four years, so I will just hope that he continues to screw up... After four more years, maybe the American people will be ready to make the right decision. It is scary, because the election numbers illustrate just how divided the country is. Moby, wants to succeed, while Wing wants people to move to Canada. What's a girl to do? Shut up, and change professions? You betcha.. because God knows social services are GOING DOWN THE FREAKING TUBES.

With that I say, goodbye politics. I hate your guts... and you give me tension headaches.

Smashing Fruit

2004-11-02T07:40:00.000-06:00

It was Halloween, man! There were no costumes, or face paint in my life... Although I was sure to take part in the holiday by consuming mass amounts of "snack" sized candy bars. They are hardly a "snack" when eaten in rounds of three or four... More like a meal. A wonderful, fatty, sugar-filled, meal. But it's cool, because, I like, walk sometimes and stuff. I will burn all of the "snack" sized bars off as I walk... to and from my car.

I spent a lovely, lazy weekend in Southern Illinois. Tiz the season for dead deer on the road, and burning leaves stanking up the air. Yummm! On a whim, a group of non-costumed college students wandered into a local Southern Illinois bar. Not a college bar, but more a "townie" bar. Halloween costumes were everywhere, nurses, vampires, dice, and Lil Jon... Seriously. A country white man as Lil Jon, complete with goblet. I am baffled. Was it hateful and mean, or funny and creative? I should have talked to him... damn.

In other news, I was lucky enough to have TWO fruits smashed on my head. It all began with a rotting pumpkin... and ended with a crab apple. Who knew dropping a rotten pumpkin on someone's head, would ummm, cause it to fucking explode. It smelled like the funk. Also, who knew beaning someone with a crabapple would cause a painful, sticky mess on my head? It's okay, Bob, I am over it... even if you continued to throw those bitches at me as I walked into the apartment to take advil and provide damage control to my funky hair. It's coooool. Just wait, you'll get yours.

Time to vote! I am scared. If the world ends, I love you all. I just hope it doesn't get all Dawn of the Dead in this place, because I WILL shoot you in the head... and steal your wallet.

Peace... seriously.

Letters to the World

2004-10-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

Dear See-Through Pink Tote Bag Woman:
You stress me out. If I wanted to look at receipts, credit card statements, candy wrappers, and other general crap, I would open up my own bag and look in. You dress so cute, and always have great hair…. Why the filthy shit filled purse? Clean it out, sister. Clean. It. Out.

Dear Hot Guy in the Corduroy Jacket:
I see you on the train reading corny books, but you are hot anyway. Why were you waiting for the bus that goes nowhere but a really "bad" poor neighborhood? Are you a social worker too? That would be hot. Call me.

Dear Creepy British Man:
Seriously, check you fly, man. This is TWO times this month! TWO! Oh yea, and you need to rethink the weird curly mullet. Thanks.

Dear White Hen on Jackson:
What the hell is up with you ice machine? The ice is all watery. Watery! Let’s work on getting this fixed, it makes my iced tea taste crazy.

Dear Bad Driving Female Asstard:
Listen lady, if you pass parking spot you can either get over it, or drive around the block – YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REVERSE DOWN VAN BUREN DURING RUSH HOUR. You should be deported to the county of your choice ASAP!

Dear Corner Bakery:
Please be aware that you are evil. You cheat people into thinking they are eating healthy, when in reality your food is really fucking fattening. Why is a Tuna sandwich 40 grams of fat? WHY!?

Dear Pop Machine Man:
Can we get some damn Diet Coke in this bitch? Diet Pepsi makes me gag.

FINALLY!

Dear Target Cashier:
Put some pep in your step, brother. I don’t have ten minutes for you to ring up my hair gel, batteries, deodorant, and cute Isaac Mizrahi shoes. Lets MOVE!

W 4 Prez, Man!

2004-10-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. W4Prez, found via MJ, is a prime example of why the uneducated are so scary. It' sad, because this guy is probably just a product of poor schooling, something conservatives did not aid in improving. (No Child Left Behind? uh. huh. Go school vouchers!)

Highlighted quotes:

--Good Things About George W!
"On September 11, George W didn't get afraid!!!" uh. huh.

"He went to war with Iraq and has killed millions of the terrorists that caused September 11 that were living in Iraq and being payed by Sadam Husein." REALLY!? Learn something new everyday!

Wait, this one is good, "The second commandment of the constitution says We have a right to bear arms.(that means we can have any weapon we want so we can protect ourselfs) and president Bush supports that." I always wondered what "bear arms" meant!

--On why F911 is BAD!
"He makes up stories about how George Bush has connections with the Osama Bin Laden family. But any ties between the two are IMPOSSIBLE." Ify? Okay. Impossible? Grow up.

"according to Michael Moore, Bush didn't do a good job in the war in Afghanistan and isn't doing enough work to make our homeland secure. Just more LIES since George Bush and John Ashcroft have both said many times that they're doing all possible to keep us SAFE." Jethro! If they say so, it must be true!

--Who should be next vice president!!
"Condolisa Rice: Despite being black, she is SO hot! (for a politician)" Despite being black. Nice.

Seriously, I just... I just can't continue... If you want to be pushed over the edge, look at the cartoons. egh.

It's funny, I bet this guy pisses of intelligent conservatives daily.

Peeping Tom.

2004-10-21T17:28:00.000-05:00

You know what I HATE? I hate that in most public bathrooms, the engineerswho developed the stalls often tend to leave too much room between the walland the door... This is a problem for an array of reasons.

1 - I fear fellow stall waiters are thinking that I am looking through thecrack, when I am totally not looking.

2 - I fear people looking at me through the crack when they are peeing, andfreaking out because they think I am looking back

3 - I fear that when I actually do look, briefly and usually by mistake,that I am going to see something super-nasty and gag. (You know, like tamponremoval... too far? Okay.)

4 - Finally, the most obvious, I fear people looking in at ME while I pee.

Seriously, I may sound crazy... wouldn't be the first time.... but I amwilling to bet that you pay attention to the large gapping space between thestall wall and door next time you go pee pee.

Boombastic.

2004-10-20T11:29:00.000-05:00

I am constantly thinking about things I can write about. I come up with the best ideas while going to the bathroom, showering, or driving. I think to myself, "Hee! That would be a great post! I can't forget it!" and then, of course, as I sit down to write, I go blank. So here I am, sitting, looking, blank minded, its pretty lame. In honor of this, I will give a brilliantly brief, yet intriguing, overview of my life at the moment. Before that, I have a new email its

sgntkilljoy@yahoo.com not jnel@siu.edu

which means I need everyone to email me at my new address so I can get YOUR address... MMMkay? Carry on.

State of the J.Nel. (Get it? Like State of the Union? Oh, shut up.)

I am determined to become the next Paris Hilton. Minus, oh course, the diseases and money, plus fat and class... My Goal? Party it up, sister, you're only in your early 20s once. (Sill haven't gotten emails about the pool, come on people! Let's gamble!)

I have ceased all apartment hunting. I am sick of it, and sick of not having help... My Goal? Wait for Juice to graduates and comes home. Once he gets a job then he can look for our new den of sin. Until then, I remain with my parents and he remains homeless.

Iced Chai Lattes... My Goal? Drink more, yum. 'Nuff said.

I am on track with my May graduation. After that, who knows... My Goal? Start applying to another graduate program as to make real life more distant in my future.

Thanks to a fat woman on the train, shoveling an entire "fun size" Snickers bar into her mouth, I am working to not shoveling. I am a total gorger, I shovel food into my face without actually playing attention to it... My Goal? I plan to insert, chew, swallow, think "yum," and continue until full, or left without more food. (I am currently practicing with Flamin' Hot Cheetos, far so good!)

(I know, I know... This is getting old. last one, I swear!)

Finally, I am in the process of constructing a "things to do before I die list." I am considering everything from learn to knit to visiting Thailand... My Goal? Complete and post the list for all to view and mock by Monday.

College Students Regret not Investing in a Bed Pan as Means for Second Bathroom.

2004-10-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

Ever since my little tango with spyware, on my internship computer, I have avoided most personal Internet business while "on the job." Sure, I slip up every now and again, but I have been doing an outstanding job of avoiding blogs, especially my own. Last thing I need is the creepy IT guy getting all up in my business. Anyway, this is likely to be why I have am not updating like I used to.

Since I am #1 in my life, I will carry on to tell you about MY interesting weekend. Yep, you got it, no focusing on others, entertainment, or news… Today, it’s all about me. ME, I tell ya!

Last Thursday, I wasn’t quite myself, I uncharacteristically, got all spontaneous about it and rented a car to take a mini weekend holiday. (So British of me, I know.) So Friday evening I spent 6 hours in a small rented 2005 Ford Focus with my friend BM. We arrive at a friend filled apartment in Southern Illinois at about 10:30 that evening, soon to be joined by four others from Wisconsin and Ohio. Saturday we were even blessed with company from Missouri. It was like a Midwest Loser Conference… In fact, I will even call it the 1st ever Midwest Loser Conference (MLC). Please email me if you wish to attend next years MLC event.
An array of hi-jinks ensured thanks to great stupidity and alcohol. Six bars were visited, along with two restaurants, it was quite fabu, to say the least. Also, a small three bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment, was filled with two dogs, and 11 – errr I mean 12 – people… It made showering, peeing, and sleeping both interesting and challenging.

Highlights of the weekend included witnessing for the very first time, seeing a friend of six years totally wasted. "Hello, my name is…" I was left both shocked and highly humored. Other events of interest included: a drunk oaf of a man – errr "boy" - passed out while crapping on the toilet at 4AM, a visit from a nasty snatch, mockingly humorous dance competitions ending people getting "served," crypt walking, hippie dancing, drunk bikers, a weird drunk man playing a MEAN air guitar on the dance floor, hangover breakfasts, and an interesting air-mattress. Thankfully the weekend was free of bodily fluid, no pee, no poo, no vomit. However, I was accidentally spit on numerous times, but that another story for another time.

Ahh, yes, I decided… I didn’t have fun in high school, and Under-grad was pretty lame… Grad school, that’s where its at. I vow to start going out, and acting my age at least once weekly. Since the inception of my plan, I have been going strong for two weeks, totaling 4 days of fun…. Who wants to start the pool? I think I will last two more weeks.

Join me in dreaming of an apliance filled kitchen.

2004-10-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have written a couple of entries, posted them, and deleted them. One I deleted because of its personal content, the other because it was so full of run-on sentences and grammatical errors it was not salvageable.

I am posting this post with confidence that I will not delete it.

Apartment hunting sucks really bad. Especially when you have very limited funds. Friday I was introduced to what is available in Chicago, in my price range. It wasn't pretty. Currently, I am exploring Pilsen's options. I looked at two places Friday, neither of which had a stove or refrigerator, but were equipped with a lovely hot water heater in the middle of the room. One even had an interesting bathroom set up, toilet in on closet, shower in another, it was odd.

This week, I intend to look at some more options, and for my own mental health, I have expanded my apartment budget a tad. Hopefully the budget increase will help the chances of finding a normal bathroom, and kitchen appliances.

It hurts to watch your dreams of crown molding, high ceiling and wood floors being crushed. It hurts real bad.